French Jokes
Compliments of Tim:
Q: How many gears does a French tank have? A: Six. Five are in reverse, and one is in forward in case they are attacked from behind.
Why do French tanks have glass in the back? So they can see the war...
What is the french national flower? The Pansy.
Is'nt it funny how "Tar-jay" sounds alot like "Pan-say"? Target is a French owend corperation. Ironic? I think not.
French schools are wishing to remove all junk/snack foods form French schools. They want to raise healthier pansies.
The French president wants to change the French national flag... he wants a white flag with a white background
What do you call a Frenchman advancing on Baghdad? A salesman
Is it rude to call a Frenchman a frog? Yes, it is unfair to amphibians.
How are French babies born? With their hands up (surrendering).
What is the only phrase you need to know to speak French fluently? I surrender.
Finally, this week the French soldiers have showed up in Afghanistan. Figures just like the French to show up after the hard work has been done
Why do the French call their fighter the "Mirage"? Because it's never seen in a combat zone.
What do you call a French fighter coming to the rescue of American and British soldiers in the Iraqi desert? A Mirage
The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq.
Going to war without the French is like going hunting without an accordion.
The French are to warfare what the British are to cooking.
Donald Rumsfeld was being heckled by a French anti-war weenie when he suddenly turned and asked the Frenchman: "Excuse me. Do you speak German?" The Frenchman replied "No." Rumsfeld looked him in the eyes and said "You're welcome."
How did the French react to German reunification? They put up speed bumps at the borders to slow down the panzers.
A man asks his companion, "What's the most common French expression"? His friend scratches his head, shrugs his shoulders and replies, "I give up!"
How do you stop a French tank? Shoot the guy that's pushing it.
French rifle for sale on ebay: "It's never been fired and it's been dropped only once."
You really do have to hand it to the French...After all, they won't fight for it.
How many French soldiers does it take to change a light bulb? Five: one to sit on his butt and watch and do nothing. one to turn tail and run. one to roll over. one to surrender to the light bulb and snitch out occupied sockets. and one to pick up a phone and cry to the United States.
How many Frenchmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb? All of them: One to screw the bulb in, the rest to brag about how great the French are at screwing.
You go to a cockfight. How do you know if a Frenchman is there? He's the one with a duck.
How many Frenchmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb? It doesn't matter; if you're depending on the French to do the job, it's screwed anyway.
Why do we need France on our side against Saddam and Osama? So the French can show them how to surrender.
What do you do if a Frenchman throws a hand-grenade at you? Take the pin out and throw it back.
Did you hear about the French helicopter crash? The pilot got cold, so he turned off the fan.
Did you hear about the French submarine with a screen door? Don't laugh... it keeps the fish out.
George W. Bush, Tony Blair and Jacques Chirac were relaxing in a Parisian sauna. Suddenly, there was a distinct beeping sound. President Bush pressed his forearm with his thumb & the beeping stopped. The others looked curiously at him. "Oh, that was just my pager", said George. "I have a microchip embedded under the skin of my forearm." Two minutes later, the silence was broken by the sound of a phone ringing. Tony Blair lifted the palm of his hand to his ear & the ringing stopped. The Prime Minister explained, "That was my cell phone, chaps. I have a telecom chip implanted in the palm of my hand. "By this time, French president Jacques Chirac was feeling sort of low-tech. Without saying anything, he quickly scooted out of the sauna, but returned momentarily. When he returned, Bush and Blair both stared at him increduously. It appeared that a long piece of toilet paper was dangling from the Frenchman's posterior. When Jacques saw that he had the attention of the other two men, he feigned astonishment: "Marie sainte! I'm think I'm getting a fax.
How many Frenchmen does it take to guard Paris? Nobody knows, its never been tried.
What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up? The Army.
Why don't they have fireworks at Euro Disney? Because every time they shoot them off, the French try to surrender.
The American military wears combat boots. What does the French military wear? Track shoes.
How did the Germans conquer France so fast? They marched in backwards and the French thought they were leaving.
How do you sink a French battleship? Put it in water.
Q: Where can you find 60,100,000 French jokes?
A: In France.
Q: Why did the French start using garlic?
A: To improve their breath.
A cannibal went into the butcher shop to buy some brains for dinner. She saw that American and British brains were $4.95 per lb and French brains were $450.00 per lb. She gasped and asked the butcher if the price of the French brains were a misprint.
"No ma'm," answered the butcher. "That is the correct price." "Well, why are the French brains so expensive?" exclaimed the cannibal. "Do you know how many French it takes to get a pound of brains?" replied the butcher.
Q: How do you kill a Frenchman?
A: Slam the toilet seat down when he's getting a drink.
Q: Why do French naval ships have glass bottoms?
A: To see all their other ships.
Q: Why do the French use a lot of bleach on their sheets?
A: So you can see their white flags better.
Q: Why do Frenchmen always wear yellow ties?
A: To match their teeth.
Q: What's the best place to hide your money?
A: Under a Frenchman's soap.
Q: What happens when a Frenchman doesn't pay his garbage bill?
A: They stop delivering.
Q: Why did the Frenchman sell his water skis?
A: He couldn't find a lake with a hill in it.
Contenders for the French National Anthem
Welcome friends! The French Government has issued a statement asking for a new national anthem (seeing as their old one has brought them nothing but shame, disgrace, failure, loss, embarrassment, humiliation ect…). Here are a bunch of potential hopefuls that have been published to help decided their new song of national pride and victory! Please Listen to all the choices and select your top 10 favorites in order of favorite to least favorite. Just remember, chances are you will never hear it again… So let’s all band together and help out the French… AGAIN
1) Everybody Plays the Fool (Aaron Neville)
2) Chicken Dance
3) Live and Let Die (Wings)
4) Help! (Beatles)
5) White Flag (Dido)
6) Hells Bells (AC/DC)
7) Run to the Hills (Iron Maiden)
8) See You later, I’m Gone (Marshall Tucker band)
9) Surrender (Elvis)
10) Tender Surrender (Steve Vai)
11) Surrender to me (Heart)
12) Helpless (Crosby, Stills and Nash)
13) Loser (3 Doors Down)
14) Duck and Run (3 Doors Down)
15) Poor ,Poor Pitiful me (Linda Ronstadt)
16) One (Metallica)
17) Raise your hands (Bon Jovi)
18) Message in a bottle (Police)
19) To Live is to Die (Metallica)
20) Escape (Metallica)
21) Flirtin’ with disaster (Molly Hatchet)
22) Aint Nobody Home (B.B. King)
23) Under Pressure (Queen and David Bowie)
24) Death on Two legs (Queen)
25) I’ll Survive (B.B. King)
26) Chains and things (B.B. King)
27) Be Careful with a Fool (Johnny Winters)
28) Let Me Go (3 Doors Down)
29) Disposable Heros (Metallica)
30) Money Talks (AC/DC)
31) You Shook Me All Night Long (AC/DC)
32) Highway to Hell (AC/DC)
33) Don’t worry, be happy (Bobby McFerrin)
34) Running Scared (Roy Orbison)
35) I’m Leaving it all up to you (Donny and Marie Osmond)
36) Walk right in (rooftop singers)
37) What a fool believes (Doobie Bros)
38) Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap (Ac/DC)
39) Come Together (Beatles)
40) Dream On (Aerosmith)
41) Sick as a Dog (Aerosmith)
42) I Ain’t got you (Aerosmith)
43) Rats in the Cellar (Aerosmith)
44) Round and Round (Aerosmith)
45) Jailbait (Aerosmith)
46) Shame, Shame, Shame (Aerosmith)
47) Rag Doll (Aerosmith)
48) Cryin’ (Aerosmith)
49) Margeritaville (Jimmy Buffet)
50) Farewell Party (Alan Jackson)
51) Bleed the Freak (Alice in Chains)
52) Man in the Box (Alice in Chains)
53) Wasted Words (Allman Bros. band)
54) It’s Not my Cross the Bear (Allman Bros. Band)
55) Can’t Lose What you Never Had (Allman Bros band)
56) Loaded Dice (Allman Bros band)
57) Goodbye Blue Sky (Pink Floyd)
58) Immigrant Song (Led zeppelin)
59) Bad Moon Rising (CCR)
60) Little Problems, Little Lies (Ann Wilson)
61) All Over Again (B.B. King)
62) Ten Long Years (B.B. King)
63) I got to Boogie (BW Stevenson)
64) You Never Give me Your Money (Beatles)
65) The End (Beatles)
66) I Want to Hold Your Hand (Beatles)
67) All You need is Love (Beatles)
68) Hello, Goodbye (Beatles)
69) Fool on a Hill (Beatles)
70) Norwegian Wood (This Bird Has Flown) (Beatles)
71) Nowhere Man (Beatles)
72) Run For Your Life (Beatles)
73) With a Little Help form my friends (Beatles)
74) Everybody’s got something to hide except for me and my monkey (Beatles)
75) Cry baby cry (Beatles)
76) Jealous Again (Back Crowes)
77) Mercy Sweet moan (Black Crowes)
78) Paranoid (Black Sabbath)
79) Never Say Die (Black Sabbath)
80) Dirty Woman (Black Sabbath)
81) Gimme, Gimme, Gimme (Blackfoot)
82) Gone with the Wind (Blackmores Night)
83) Had to Cry today (Blind Faith)
84) Can’t Find my way home (Blind faith)
85) Don’t Far the Reaper (Blue Oyster Cult)
86) Godzilla (Blue Oyster Cult)
87) Cities On Flame With Rock and Roll (Blue Oyster Cult)
88) One (Three Dog Night)
89) Take Me Away (Blue Oyster Cult)
90) Blowin’ in the Wind (Dob Dylan)
91) Don't Think Twice, It's All Right (Bob Dylan)
92) Like A Rolling Stone (Bob Dylan)
93) Cover Me (Bruce Springsteen)
94) I’m Goin’ Down (Bruce Springsteen)
95) Counting on a Miracle (Bruce Springsteen)
96) My City of Ruins (Bruce Springsteen)
97) Two Faces (Bruce Springsteen)
98) Wicked Game (Chris Issak)
99) I’m So Lonesome I Could Cry (Cowboy Junkies)
100) Helplessly Hoping (Crosby Stills and Nash)
101) Déjà vu (Crosby Sills and Nash)
102) Carry me (Crosby and Nash)
103) Just a Song before I go (Crosby Stills and Nash)
104) Haven’t we lost enough? (Crosby stills and Nash)
105) There’s no way out of here (David Gilmour)
106) Cry from the street (David Gilmour)
107) So far Away (David Gilmour)
108) Lazy (Deep Purple)
109) Pictures of Home (Deep Purple)
110) I Looked Away (Derek and the Dominos)
111) It’s to Late (Derek and the Dominos)
112) So far Away (Dire Straits)
113) Boom Like that (Mark Knopfler)
114) Certain Kind of Fool (Eagles)
115) Take it Easy (Eagles )
116) Already Gone (Eagles)
117) I cant tell you why (Eagles)
118) Wasted Time (Eagles)
119) Mama Help Me (Eddie Brickel)
120) It’s Over (ELO)
121) Funeral For a Friend (Sir Elton John)
122) Goodbye Yellow Brick Road (Sir Elton John)
123) Social Disease (Sir Elton John)
124) Slave (Sir Elton John)
125) I think I’m Gunna Kill Myself (Sir Elton John)
126) All the Nasties (Sir Elton John)
127) Goodbye (Sir Elton John)
128) Madman Across the Water (Sir Elton John)
129) Hound Dog (Elvis)
130) Like a baby (Elvis)
131) Run On (Elvis)
132) If I had Possession over Judgment day (Robert Johnson)
133) Hideaway (John Mayall and the Bluesbreakers)
134) Got to Hurry (The Yard Birds)
135) Got to get better in a little while (Derek and the Dominos)
136) Sleeping in the Ground (Blind faith)
137) Death March (Chopin)
138) Tornado of souls (Megadeath)
139) Knockin’ On heavens Door (Bob Dylan)
140) Too Bad (Eric Clapton)
141) Heaven is One Step Away (Eric Clapton)
142) Before You accuse me (Eric Clapton)
143) Give Me Strength (Eric Clapton)
144) I’m Tore Down (Eric Clapton)
145) It Hurts me Too (Eric Clapton)
146) Standin’ Round Cryin’ (Eric Clapton)
147) Pretending (Eric Clapton)
148) Runnin’ on Faith (Eric Clapton)
149) Run So far (Eric Clapton)
150) Breaking Point (Eric Clapton)
151) Hell Hound on my trail (Robert Johnson)
152) River of Tears (Eric Clapton)
153) Trail of Tears (Eric Johnson)
154) Fall Like Rain (Eric Clapton)
155) I Aint Gunna Stand for it (Eric Clapton)
156) Help the Poor (B.B. King)
157) I’m So afraid (Fleetwood Mac)
158) Never Going Back Again (Fleetwood Mac)
159) Over and Out (Foo Fighters)
160) Free Me (Foo Fighters)
161) We Shall be Free (Garth Brooks)
162) Learning to Live Again (Garth Brooks)
163) Not Counting You (Garth Brooks)
164) Friends in Low Places (Garth Brooks)
165) Cold Shoulder (Garth Brooks)
166) Burning Bridges (Garth brooks)
167) Cryin’ for Nothin’ (Gary Allan)
168) Sorry (Gary Allan)
169) Learning to Live with me (Gary Allan)
170) Land of Of Confusion (Genesis)
171) In To Deep (Genesis)
172) Misunderstanding (Genesis)
173) Throwing it all away (Genesis)
174) When we Was fab (George Harrison)
175) Hell in a bucket (Grateful Dead)
176) Give Me Novicane (Green Day)
177) Civil War (Gun’s N Roses)
178) Aint it fun (when you kown you’re gunna die?) (Gun’s N Roses)
179) Alone (Heart)
180) Stranded (Heart)
181) The Perfect Goodbye (Heart) 182) I Give up (Heart)
183) The End of the World (Hermans Hermits)
184) Danger (Clapton /Cale)
185) Dead End Road (Clapton /Cale)
186) Anyway the Wind Blows (Clapton/Cale)
187) Where Were You (Jeff Beck)
188) People Get Ready (Jeff Beck)
189) Going Down (Jeff beck)
190) Scatterbrain (Jeff Beck)
191) You Shook Me (Jeff beck)
192) Living in the Past (Jethro Tull)
193) Thick as Brick (Jethro Tull)
194) Who Will Save Your Soul (Jewel)
195) Pieces of you (Jewel)
196) Foolish Games (Jewel)
197) Castles Made of Sand (Jimi Hendrix)
198) Born Under a Bad Sign (Jimi Hendrix)
199) Crushing Day (Joe Satriani)
200) Circles (Joe Satriani)
201) I Can't help Myself (John Fogerty)
202) Have a little faith in me (John Haitt)
203) Take off Your uniform (John Haitt)
204) Double Crossing Time (John Mayall and the Bluesbreakers)
205) The Tracks of My Tears (Johnny Rivers)
206) Still Alive and Well (Johnny Winter)
207) Victim of Change (Judas Priest)
208) Angel (Judas Priest)
209) A Touch of Evil (Judas Priest)
210) Night Crawler (Judas Priest)
211) Screaming for vengeance (Judas Priest)
212) Out in the Cold (Judas Priest)
213) Dust in the Wind (Kansas)
214) Hold on (Kansas)
215) All the pretty little ponies (Kenny Loggins)
216) Everything is broken (Kenny Wayne Sheppard band)
217) Over the hills and far away (Led Zeppelin)
218) No Quarter (Led Zeppelin)
219) I'm Gunna Crawl (Led Zeppelin)
220) Dazed and Confused (Led Zeppelin)
221) Your Time is gunna come (Led Zeppelin)
222) How many more times (Led zeppelin)
223) Night Flight (Led Zeppelin)
224) Sick Again (Led Zeppelin)
225) What Is and What Should Never Be (Led Zeppelin)
226) Gallows Pole (Led zeppelin)
227) In my time of dying (Led zeppelin)
228) Nobodies Fault but Mine (Led Zeppelin)
229) Stronger than I am (Leeann Womack)
230) It Ain't Over 'Til It's Over (Lenny Kravitiz)
231) Always on the Run (Lenny Kravitiz)
232) That'll be the day (Linda Ronstadt)
233) The Dummy Song (Louis Armstrong)
234) I still get jealous (Louis Armstrong)
235) Lungs (Lyle Lovett)
236) I'll Come Knockin' (Lyle Lovett)
237) Baloney Again (make Knopfler)
238) Sucker Row (Mark Knopfler)
239) If this is goodbye (Knopfler/harris)
240) Take to the Highway (Marshal Tucker band)
241) Harvester of Sorrow (Metallica)
242) Sad But True (Metallica)
243) The Unforgiven (Metallica)
244) Holier than thou (Metallica)
245) The Struggle within (Metallica)
246) Welcome Home (Sanitarium) (Metallica)
247) Fade to Black (Metallica)
248) For Whom the bell tolls (Metallica)
249) Jump in the fire (Metallica)
250) Bleeding Me (Metallica)
251) Untill it sleeps (Metallica)
252) King Nothing (Metallica)
253) Poor Twisted me 9Metallica)
254) Thorn within (Metallica)
255) Wasting my hate (Metallica)
256) Attitude( Metallica)
257) Creeping Death (Metallica)
258) No leaf Clover (Metallica)
259) Save Me (Michael Bolton)
260) Stay Away (Nirvana)
261) Territorial Pissings (Nirvana)
262) Rape me (Nirvana)
263) Dumb (Nirvana)
264) The Man Who Sold the World (David Bowie)
265) I'm broken (Pantera)
266) Do the Evolution (Pearl Jam)
267) Don't Give up (Peter Gabriel)
268) Mercy street (Peter Gabriel)
269) Pings on the Wing (1&2) (Pink Floyd)
270) Sheep (Pink Floyd)
271) On the run (Pink Floyd)
272) Brain Damage (Pink Floyd)
273) Comfortably Numb (Pink Floyd)
274) Run like Hell (Pink Floyd)
275) What do you want from me (Pink Floyd)
276) High Hopes (Pink Floyd)
277) Don't Leave me now (Pink Floyd)
278) Goodbye Cruel World (Pink Floyd)
279) Is there anybody out there? (Pink Floyd)
280) Lay Down (Priestess)
281) Stone Cold Crazy (Queen)
282) Fat Bottomed Girls (Queen)
283) Ignoreland (REM)
284) Joy to the world (three dog night)
285) It's the End of the World as We Know It (And I Feel Fine) (REM)
286) Imitation of life (REM)
287) Higher ground (Stevie Wonder)
288) Knock Me Down (Red hot Chili Peppers)
289) Still Alive and Well (Rick Deringer)
290) Deliver me (Robert Randalph and the Family Band)
291) Gimme Shelter (Rolling Stones)
292) Get off of my Cloud (Rolling Stones)
293) (I can't get no) Satisfaction (Rolling Stones)
294) Fool TO Cry (Rolling Stones)
295) Surrender (Savatage)
296) Necrophilia (Savatage)
297) On the Run (Savatage)
298) Dirty Work (Steely Dan)
299) You know you've got to run (Stephen Stills)
300) Die to Live (Steve Vai)
301) Wall of Denial (SRV)
302) Willie The Wimp (SRV)
303) Crossfire (SRV)
304) Fragile (Sting)
305) Sour Girl (Stone Temple Pilots)
306) It Hurt SO Bad (Susan Teduschi)
307) Need You Bad (Ted Nugent)
308) Celebrate (Three Dog Night)
309) Angle Deep (Tom Petty)
310) Saving Grace (Tom Petty)
311) Breakdown (Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers)
312) Refugee (Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers)
313) Even the Losers (Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers)
314) Smoke and ashes (Tracey Chapman)
315) Fate (TSO)
316) Midnight (TSO)
317) Dirty World (Traveling Wilburys)
318) If You belonged to me (Traveling Wilburys)
319) Runaway (Del Shannon)
320) Finish What ya started (Van Halen)
321) Poundcake (Van Halen)
322) Runnin' with the devil (van halen)
323) Everybody Wants some!! (Van Halen)
324) Venus (Shocking Blue)
325) Hey There Lonely Girl (Eddie Holman)
326) Beat it (Michael Jackson)
327) Stand By Me (Ben E. King)
328) Lawyers Guns and Money (Warren Zevon)
329) Dirty Life and Times (Warren Zevon)
330) Ready n' Willin' (White Snake)
331) Just Can't Get Enough (Depeche Mode)
332) Don't Bring Me Down (ELO)
333) Don't Let the Sun Go Down On Me (Sir Elton John)
334) Landslide (Fleetwood Mac)
335) Over My Head (The Fray)
336) Over My Head (Fleetwood Mac)
337) Better Days (Goo Goo Dolls)
338) Collide (Howie Day)
339) Under the Weather (KT Tunstall)
340) Let My People Go-Go (The Rainmakers)
341) Long Gone Long (The Rainmakers)
342) Be My Escape (Relient K)
343) Here Without You (3 Doors Down)
344) It's A Long Way To The Top (AC/DC)
345) If You Want Blood (You've Got It) (AC/DC)
346) Shot Down In Flames (AC/DC)
347) Hold Me (Fleetwood Mac)
348) Marooned (Pink Floyd)
349) God Save the Queen (Queen)
350) Incomplete (Backstreet Boys)
351) Since You Been Gone (Kelly Clarkson)
352) SOS (Rihanna)
353) Sugar We're Going Down (Fallout Boy)
354) One of these Days (Pink Floyd)
355) Hey You (Pink Floyd)
356) Immigration Man (Crosby Stills and Nash)
357) Shine on you Crazy Diamond Pts. I-IX (Pink Floyd)
358) Crazy (Gnarls Barkley)
359) Jeepers Creepers Where'd You get them Peppers? (Unknown)
360) Nobody Knows You When Your Down and Out (Eric Clapton)
361) In the Air Tonight (Phil Collins)
362) Yellow Submarine (Beatles)
363) Facing the Animal (Yingwie Malmsteen)
364) You're Beautiful (James Blunt)
365) Purple People Eater (Ray Stevens)
366) Won't Get Fooled Again (The Who)
367) Stray Cat Strut (Stray Cats)
368) Theme From Titanic
369) Hamster Dance
370) Hold On (Michael Bolton)
371) Mean Old World (Clapton/D. Allman)
372) NO More Tears (Ozzy)
373) Bark at the Moon (Ozzy)
374) Crazy Train (Ozzy)
375) Lost for Words (Pink Floyd)
376) Careful with that Axe Eugene! (Pink Floyd)
377) The Dark (TSO)
378) The Entertainer (Scott Joplin)
379) Of Wolf And man (Metallica)
380) The Thing that should not be (Metallica)
381) My Friends of Misery (Metallica)
382) Dyer's eve (Metallica)
383) Here Come the Bastards (Primus)
384) The Bitch is Back (Sir Elton John)
385) Over the Falls (Primus)
386) Pudding Time (Primus)
387) Wynona's Big Brown Beaver (Primus)
388) I'm So Ronery (Stone/Parker)
389) Waiting for the Worms (Pink Floyd)
390) I'm a Little Tea Pot
391) Man I feel Like a woman (Shania Twain)
392) Dancing Queen (ABBA)
393) Girls Just want to have fun (Cindi Lauper)
394) Why cant we be friends (War)
395) It's raining Men (Unknown)
396) Another Brick in the wall Pt. 3 (Pink Floyd
A Tribute to the French:
Ladies and Gentlemen, it has come to my attention that over the past the few decades the French have been seriously undermined. Don’t get me wrong, I mean sure, they have failed, and they have spread an epidemic of what can only be referred to as “French Culture” upon human society. Let’s look beyond the Frogaphilia and discuss all the triumphs and contributions the French have so graciously bestowed upon humanity. I offer forth a tribute to everything attributed to the French…
1) Le Croissant—The first and foremost thing attributed to French is the croissant. The French have yielded us a remarkable fusion of architecture and precise cooking technique. Not only is it light, flakey and beautifully laired, but it has a crisp buttery taste unrivaled by any other. Without croissants, Americans would have nothing to load up with fatty butter and their favorite preserves. Though this may contribute to American obesity, and be construed as a secret war plan (where they try to fatten American’s so much that we go to war they can out run us) it still remains a yummy delectable French Innovation! Thank You France!
2) Lagrange Points—The conception of the 1772 French physicist, Joseph Lewis Lagrange, the Lagrangian points gave scientists a way to figure out orbits of celestial bodies. Thanks to Mr. Lagrange, we can now prove that the universe does not revolve around France. You have no idea how grateful we truly are. Thank you France for producing a scientist capable of achieving this critical feat!
3) Jacques Chirac—The previous socialist president of France provided us with some very important words to remember in current day world politics. “As far as I am concerned, War always means failure.” This actual quote form Chirac gives us insight into current motivations behind France’s ‘friendship for the right price’ politics. Everyone knows that the only way the French would help us in Iraq is if we found truffles. Seeing as that is not the case, Chirac has given us those words of wisdom reminding us that in war there is no true winner—especially France. Thank you France for this stirring crash course lesson in the political science while we are all in search in peace!
4) Joan of Arc—Let’s face it. No one can deny Joan of Arc’s importance to history. She managed to salvage a yet again failing French army to the point of victory as well as created a national symbol for French identity. Despite her role as one history’s most influential women leaders, she was barking mad. Not only did the French King’s decision to put a schizophrenic who heard ‘divine voices’ in charge of the French army show utter desperation, but also showed the lunacy of the French people who rallied behind her. Oh, you crazy Frenchies! Thanks for showing that sometimes, desperation isn’t such a bad thing!
5) Bleu Cheese—Yet another wonderful food innovation of the French. We now have a very fine cheese of acquired taste to add to our salads and even dressing. Bitter, much like French attitudes towards American’s, blue cheese is ‘aged to perfection’. This of course translates to stinky cheese and acts as a metaphor for the French’s overall state of being. Proving that too much bleu cheese or exposure to the French culture gives anybody a bad stomach ache. Thank you France for this stinky bitter and elegant salad enhancer!
6) Jean-Claude Van Dame—What list of French triumphs and contributions is complete without Jean-Claude Van Dame? Seriously. He’s big, he’s bad, he kicks ass and is totally buff. Not only does he sport one of the best pairs of French man-boobs, but could easily pass off as a pissed off German on steroids. The man truly has earned the name ‘Wham! Bam! Van Dame!’ If at all possible, Jean-Claude Van Dame is the sole ass kicking god of the French, proving that not all Frenchmen are girlmans. He might be fictional, and technically from Brussels, but Oh La La! Thank you France for this priceless specimen and pentacle of all that embodies great ripped-out man-boobs.
7) The Bikini—No complaints here. Really. Raging feminists may feel otherwise however. Thank you so much France for Jacques Helm and Louis Reard, for flaunting natural beauty.
8) Déjà vu—Regarded as one of the most quintessential phrases to ever be coined by the French, it has been adapted across the world. Though literally translated as “to have already been seen” its true meaning lies on the battle field. Constant French defeats and massacres are the true roots of this often misused phrase. For the French déjà vu arouses a very serious case of ‘got-to-run-quick-or-I-am-screwed-like-a-plank-in-a-table-factory” syndrome. That aside, it gives the rest of us a term for that pesky tingly sensation when we think we are witnessing a reoccurrence of something already to have occurred. Thank you France for contributing such a powerful word to English vocabulary!
9) Pepe le Phew—As one of Looney Tunes most memorable icons, Pepe le Phew has remained a character close to all our hearts. Inspired by the French, he reminds us what stinky, smelly unbearable people they can be sometimes and why no one should ever want to go to Pairs. He also reminds us of why we never want to sit on a park bench—ever. If it is freshly painted, next thing you know you will have a filthy smitten-struck Frenchman skipping after you killing every flower in the field he bounces through. Thank you France for yielding us this childhood icon to teach us valuable lessons the easy way!
10) French Fries—My bad, a typo. Everyone knows that French fries are really from Greece. Besides we refer to them proudly as ‘freedom fries’ anyway. Thank you France for NOTHING but taking credit for something you didn’t do… AGAIN!
11) The French Flag—So many undermine the true brilliance and arrangement of the French Flag. Though sporting the American colors of Red, White and Blue (which of course are to remind us of who helped them during their own revolution), it shows that someone in France had a brain when arranging the colors. When in the middle of raging (presumably losing) battle, the red and blue portion can be folded and pinned back to yield a white flag. Coincidence? I think not. Thank you France for showing us that there is such a thing as ‘intelligent flag design’!
12) Michael Buble—There has always been a very small amount of popular French pop singers. Michael Buble shows what a good thing this really is. Achieving nothing more then making the pop charts at # 143 with “Everything”, we wish he would just take everything, go home and crawl under a gigantic boulder. Thank you France for providing yet another example of the causes for death of Rock and Roll!
13) L’ éclair—We really have to hand it to the French on this one. Another perfect example of the precisionist cooking technique of the French. It’s light, chocolate covered, cream filled and pliably soft. Each bite causes an eruption of sensation with each individual taste bad giving ‘indulge’ a true definition. Thank you France for giving us an adjective to describe your backbone!
14) Mimes—Can you think of anything hated more than mimes besides clowns? Some people fear clowns, true Francophobes fear mimes. With their beady black- ringed eyes, their black and white prison stripes, red beret and overly tight stretched pants they dance around pretending to climb a damn rope and be in freakin’ box with their overly pale faces. You might call it entertainment; we call it cruel and unusual punishment. Incase you didn’t know, we’re protected against that in our bill of rights. Thank you for freaking us out France, now we’ll sleep real well!
15) General Charles De Gaulle—Generally speaking, De Gaulle is attributed for the French victory in WWII. Being Frank, he really was a brilliant man. He earned top scores in military school and was more than capable of leading his men to victory. However, he had one very unavoidable flaw—he’s French. He was head of the French UNDERGROUND. Any semi-intelligent person would ask ‘why are the French underground?’ Their hiding, remember it’s called the battle FOR Paris, not the battle OF Paris. Thank you France for the lesson on how to sit back and let someone else do all the work and reap the reward, as Americans we can really use that lesson!
16) Les Escargots—Another ‘gem’ of French cuisine, snails are indeed a plate de la resistance. Loved by the French mostly for their own commonalities to the French, they are slimy and hide in shells. For the first time, the French can actually see how the rest of the world feels by sucking a slimy, wriggling, invertebrate out of its hiding place, chew it up and shit it out. Thank you France for giving us an entrée to remind us how much fun it is to beat your ass when you’re not around.
17) Jacques Cousteau—Perhaps one of the most important father’s to Marine Biology, Jacques Cousteau single handedly created most modern scuba equipment (Let it be noted that though there is no written proof as to who had the ‘bright’ idea to use reeds as scuba gear, chances are it was the French). Not only did Mr. Cousteau aid in the field of science, but also aided in the art of French hiding. When WWIII rolls around, the French now have 70% more area to hide. Thanks France for giving us Jacques and making it harder to find you in a vaster amount of hiding places.
18) The Three inadvertent Rules of French Warfare—Essentially there are three, and only three, rules of French Warfare that are easy to fail. 1) The French are only victorious when not led by a Frenchmen (proof; Napoleon) 2) The French are victorious when allied with Americans (proof; take your pick, French Revolution, WWI, WWII ect.) 3) In war like situations the French will be bent over and savagely screwed by; Germans, Russians, Italians, Bulgarians, the Spanish, the English, Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese, Boatswains, Mores, Turks, Celts, Mexicans, Congans, Easter Islanders, Pygmies and Eskimos. Rule 1 can be discredited because no one in their right mind would voluntarily take on the task of ATTEMPTING to lead the French military to victory. Rule 2 can now be disregarded by aligning themselves with Middle Eastern interests over Americans. The days of us riding in to save their sorry asses is coming to a long needed end. This leaves only rule 3; the actual contribution the French have made. Thank you France for giving us yet another laugh and reassurance that in times of military peril the French are the least of our worries!
19) The TGV—Technically the French have one of the fastest Trains known to man. The TGV is a bullet train that can easily span long distances in short amounts of time. To be truthful, we don’t have here in the US. That’s right everyone, in this area the French are actually advanced compared to America. What so many fail to comprehend is why they created one of the fastest trains known to man. When the German Flag is on its march to Paris, a quick escape is needed. Regardless, this is a great technological innovation of the French, showing that sometimes the necessity to save ones own ass can yield useful technology. Thank you France for showing not only that Americans aren’t cowards but that evolution and ‘survival of the fittest’ is truly in action.
20) Wine—Not only does this prized beverage of the French act as a drink of elegance, but also has the ability to transform man into a buffoon. The French have illustrated this many a time. Not only did it give us suicidal hiccupping mimes and really crappy accordion music, but also yet another adjective to describe the French. Thank you France for giving us a strong argument for responsible drinking!
21) Paris Fashions—No matter how hard anyone tries to deny it, Paris is one of the fashion capitals of the world. It does not surprise me in the slightest that this is the case. While drunken designers (who have clearly had way too much wine) create styles that will be so ‘yesterday’ in five minutes, they manage to showcase the skinniest anorexic women to be known to man. Not only does France wreck the self-esteem of every proportionately weighted woman on earth, but also feeds the bitchy prep movement in America. Thank you France for showing us why we should lay far more emphasis on math science and education.
22) The 100 Years War—Somehow beyond all odds of human chance and ability the French manage to technically win this war. That’s right, they TECHNICALLY won. In a war where neither the English nor French manage to come out ahead, they win. Their Victory is attributed solely for expelling the English from the destroyed countryside. This of course was by Joan of Arc’s Hand (see; Joan of Arc) and was a mere stroke of good luck—the last bit they will probably ever have (therefore it must be savored). With the French Country side completely demolished again, they have taught us that political power struggles often get you no where. Thank you France for yet another lesson in Power politics.
23) The Vietnam Conflict—Few wars are looked down upon as much as the Vietnam War. Naturally the French have to be right smack dab in the middle of the conflict. After the French Imperil reign over Vietnam, the Vietnamese realize that even in their third world conditions that they can kick Frances arrogant ass. Just like every other war in French History, the French come, piss someone off, runaway as fast as their tight mime pants can carry them and leave the mess for someone else. Namely the United States. After taking back to the French country side with no shame, we are left to fight a war that guarantees loss. Thank you France for the Lesson on why getting involved in un-winnable wars and being imperialistic is a very bad idea!
24) Chapeaux—Who’d a thought that the French would be accredited for the common hat. Not only is this a rare example of enduring Paris Fashions (See; Paris Fashions) but also has caught on in America. It’s rather ironic that something Americans have used to show pride for nationalism, sports teams, and business is used to show French Shame as they hide under it. Thank You France for showing us that pessimism can be turned to optimism.
25) Target—A great thing about America is it’s conveniently placed ‘all purpose’ stores. Target is a French owed Corporation that falls under this category. Not only has France made our life easier, but also have contributed to screwing over Americans by promoting big business and corporations. The French love to screw things over, (See; The Vietnam War) particularly Americans. Thank you France for giving us yet another reason that we American’s can’t trust you.
26) Henry II—There are dumb leaders. Hell look at Hollywood. If that’s not enough look to D.C. with congress and “Pursidnt Bush”. I repeat there are dumb leaders. It happens, few however are viable contenders for a Darwin award. Enter Henry the Second king of France. King Henry was man, not a man as in human but a man as in a man who was macho and ‘manly’. This of course being the motivation of nearly every Darwin award winner in history and the discontent of women, led to King Henry’s self inflicted demise. Because Henry was a “Man” he enjoyed gruntingly brutal and pointless exhibits of violence showing that at least one man in France had balls. Now Henry thought it was a good idea to join his own Jousting tournament. Please note the past tense. King Henry managed to get a tinny tiny sliver of wood in his eye through his protective gear. Not only does this show the inability for French people to protect themselves from something as simple as a common splinter but also that King Henry ranks as one of the dumbest leaders in history. King Henry shared two more weeks of rightfully earned miserable existence lying in agony as the infection in his eye killed him. Some of you may be asking ‘what is the contribution here?’ Sure Henry wins a Darwin award but without him all of French History is spread with pussies. Thank you for France for proving that one man in your history had balls!
27) Le Douche—The douche is French, so what right? Wrong. You see in order to understand the full importance of the douche one must understand its origin. With King Henry II dead (see; Henry II) and no one else throughout the entire land with balls, France is filled with nothing but pussies. This of course leads to the French government turning into a ‘gynecology’. Now normally the French tend to be stinky rancid filthy people. Thanks to the douche the French have made an attempt to clean up their act. Though your attempt has failed, Thank you France for trying to make yourselves cleaner more bearable people!
28) Accordion Music—Not only does it promote safe drinking practices earlier on in the list, it also shows why drugs are bad. It also demonstrates why you shouldn’t write music while your tight mime pants are riding up into your crotch or giving you an atomic wedgie. Beyond that it also manages to instill the principle elements of Aristotle’s view of a tragedy. That’s right France, accordion music is by definition a tragedy, it instills both fear and pity. Unfortunately, more of the last then the first and makes us want to off ourseleves with anything on hand even if its flimsy traffic cone. Thank you France for the pain necessary to motivate us to find new and excruciatingly innovate ways for us to commit suicide!
29) Louis Sebastian—Who is Lois Sebastian? He is the father of one of the French’s Greatest Escape methods—the Parachute. Now normally we wouldn’t thank France for something that helps them escape, however as Americans we use it for heroism. While the French were hiding in wine cellars writing really crappy accordion music, we were air dropping men past German lines in June of ‘44. Showing that at least every great, great once in a while, the French can contribute to the saving of their own asses. Thank you France for giving us the parachute, your intentions may have been cowardice, but it helped us Americans save you!
30) Louis Pasteur—Another true innovator in the art of French hiding, Louis Pasteur was the man who developed methods that are used today to pasteurize food. Thanks to him, Frenchies can hide longer and the rest of us can store greater amounts of food for longer periods of time. Thank you France for these methods of food preservation.
31) Dr. Joseph Ignance Guillotin—Few men have ever contributed so much to primal society as much as this man. If you couldn’t figure it out, Mr. Guilliotin is accredited for the creation of the guillotine. Nothing to show the lack of civilized society like a beheading in the morning eh?
The French can be so obnoxious....here's a bit of revenge:
An American is having breakfast, in Paris, one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him. The American ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.
Frenchman: "You American folk eat the whole bread??"
American (in a bad mood): "Of course."
Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In France , we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to the states."
The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.
The American listens in silence.
The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??"
American: "Of Course."
Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and
chuckling).
"We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put
all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform
them into jam, and sell the jam to the states."
After a moment of silence, The American then asks: "Do you have sex
in France?"
Frenchman: "Why of course we do", he says with a big smirk.
American: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used
them?"
Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course."
American: "We don't. In America, we put them in a container,
recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum, and sell them to France."
I Googled "France Sucks", and this is what I found:
The following advisory for American travelers heading for France was compiled from information provided by the U.S. State Department, the Central Intelligence Agency, the U.S. Chamber of Commerce, the Food and Drug Administration, the Center for Disease Control and some very expensive spy satellites that the French don't know about. It is intended as a guide for American travelers only and no guarantee of accuracy is ensured or intended.
General Overview
France is a medium-sized foreign country situated on the continent of Europe, and is for all intensive purposes fucking useless. It is an important member of the world community, although not nearly as important as it thinks. It is bounded by Germany, Spain, Switzerland and some smaller nations of no particular consequence or shopping opportunities. France is a very old country with many treasures such as the Louvre and EuroDisney. Among its contributions to Western civilization are champagne, Camembert cheese, the guillotine, and body odor. Although France likes to think of itself as a modern nation, air conditioning is little used and it is next to impossible to get decent Mexican food. One continuing exasperation for American visitors is that the people willfully persist in speaking French, although many will speak English if shouted at repeatedly.
The People
France has a population of 54 million people, most of whom drink and smoke a great deal, drive like lunatics, are dangerously oversexed and have no concept of standing patiently in a line. The French people are generally gloomy, temperamental, proud, arrogant, aloof and undisciplined; those are their good points. Most French citizens are Roman Catholic, although you'd hardly guess it from their behavior. Many people are Communists and topless sunbathing is common. Men sometimes have girls' names like Marie and they kiss each other when they hand out medals. American travelers are advised to travel in groups and to wear baseball caps and colorful pants for easier mutual recognition. All French women have little tits, and don't shave their armpits.
Safety
In general, France is a safe destination, although travelers are advised that France is occasionally invaded by Germany. By tradition, the French surrender more or less at once and, apart from a temporary shortage of Scotch whiskey and increased difficulty in getting baseball scores and stock market prices, life for the visitors generally goes on much as before. A tunnel connecting France to Britain beneath the English Channel has been opened in recent years to make it easier for the French government to flee to London.
History
France was discovered by Charlemagne in the Dark Ages. Other important historical figures are Louis XIV, the Huguenots, Joan of Arc, Jacques Cousteau and Charles de Gaulle, who was President for many years and is now an airport. The French armies of the past have had their asses kicked by just about every other country in the world.
Government
The French form of government is democratic but noisy. Elections are held more or less continuously and always result in a run-off. For administrative purposes, the country is divided into regions, departments, districts, municipalities, cantons, communes, villages, cafes, booths and floor tiles. Parliament consists of two chambers, the Upper and Lower (although, confusingly, they are both on the ground floor), whose members are either Gaullists or communists, neither of whom can be trusted. Parliament's principal pre occupations are setting off atomic bombs in the South Pacific and acting indignant when anyone complains. According to the most current State Department intelligence, the current President is someone named Jacques. Further information is not available at this time.
Culture
The French pride themselves on their culture, although it is not easy to see why. All of their songs sound the same and they have hardly ever made a movie that you want to watch for anything except the nude scenes. Nothing, of course, is more boring than a French novel (except perhaps an evening with a French family.)
Cuisine
Let's face it, no matter how much garlic you put on it, a snail is just a slug with a shell on its back. Croissants, on the other hand, are excellent although it is impossible for most Americans to pronounce this word. American travelers are therefore advised to stick to cheeseburgers at McDonald's or the restaurants at the leading hotels such as Sheraton or Holiday Inn. Bring your own beer, as the domestic varieties are nothing but a poor excuse for such.
Economy
France has a large and diversified economy, second only to Germany's economy in Europe, which is surprising since people hardly ever work at all. If they are not spending four hours dawdling over lunch, they are on strike and blocking the roads with their trucks and tractors. France's principal exports, in order of importance to the economy, are wine, nuclear weapons, perfume, guided missiles, champagne, high-caliber weaponry, grenade launchers, land mines, tanks, attack aircraft, miscellaneous armaments and cheese.
Conclusion
France enjoys a rich history, a picturesque and varied landscape and a temperate climate. In short, it would be a very nice country if French people didn't inhabit it, and it weren't still radioactive from all the nuclear tests they run. The best thing that can be said for it is that it is not Spain. Remember no one ordered you to go abroad. Personally, we always take our vacation in Miami Beach and you are advised to do the same. Thank you and good luck.