Puns
This page is dedicated to a wide assortment of puns, often nerdy but all punny! Any one who thinks of any to add, leave your suggestions in the blog. Tim has written all the geographic puns and pantheonic, and a very trival amount of perodic puns. The Gigantic Beatles pun at the end is also Tim's fault. The rest are all from other sources. Tim will also work on some original puns to add from time to time as well as compiling some, however, your contributions are highly enouraged!
Tim's PUNS-O-PUNishment
WARRNING VERY ILLICIT PUNOGRAPHIC MATERIAL!
OVERLY PUNNY!
Some may find it overly re-pun-gent!
The most puntastical list ever compiled!
Increase your puncabulary!
Get puntelligent!
Become a punny person!
Learn from the master of Punography himself!
~Periodic puns~
What is hydrogen known for?
Hydrogen-eration
What does a doctor do?
Helium, Sodium, or Curium
What does a big strong guy do to a small guy?
Lithium
What does a foreman tell his exhausted minors to do?
Boron
What do you say after seeing a speeding car?
Carbon
What do you call a night guard for Helen of Troy?
Nitrogen
What do you call an alcoholic beverage from a large mammal?
Oxygen
What sound does a donkey make?
Neon!
How did Magne know she broke her suspenders?
Magnesium
How does Alum know how big the boxes are?
Aluminum
What do you call a stupid criminal?
Silicon
What does a dentist do for us?
Phosphorus
What does some one who sells pelts do?
Sulfur
If a species is extinct then they?
Argon
How did Cal know he broke his skies?
Calcium
What kind of armor does a Greek mythological creature wear?
Titanium
What do you call an accomplice to a villain?
Chromium
What do you call a strong super hero?
Iron man
What kind of cars are popular with scientists?
Cobalts, Neons, Mercurys
What do you call a police officer?
Copper
Where do you wash your hands?
in the Zinc
What do you call a scientific flower?
a Germanium
What do you call someone who likes to start fires?
an Arsenic
When you go to a garage sale and see things you want not for sale what do you ask?
will Selenium?
When you ask me who the young boy I am always with is I will respond?
Bromine
When Rub sees things he wants at an auction, what doe she do?
Rubidium
What is another term for a computer geek?
a Technetium
When Ruth’s garden gets to full of flower than?
Ruthenium
What does a cowboy say after getting off of a bucking bronco?
I Rhodium, Iridium
What do you call a friend?
a Palladium
What does a snake do?
Silver away
What do you call a thanks giving guest?
an Indium
What comes after nine?
Tin
What kind of man walked the yellow brick road?
Tin man
What do you call the enemy of Mr. Mony?
Antimony
How do you say a secret to your best guy friend?
Tellurium
If I borrow money from Dine then?
Iodine
If I am hungry then?
Iodine
What do you call a female warrior element?
Xenon
What does a dog do to a bunch of bones?
Barium
What did the mafia do to Jimmy Hoffa?
Barium
What did Robin Hood do to Prince John?
Lutetium
What is part of a whole?
Hafnium
What did Zeus do to Tantalus?
Tantalum
What do you want to do to a bully?
Platinum
What do you call a god of speed?
Mercury
What does an Indian say when he eats food?
needs Mercury
What do you say when a noisy person asks questions?
it’s none of your Bismuth
What do you do to kill ants?
spray Radon
What do you call a good person?
a Samarium
What were the police looking for when they searched your house?
Europium
What do you have when you place two Hafnium’s together?
a Holmium
How did Fran know he broke his legs?
Francium
What do police do to suspected drug houses?
Radium
What do you do in a play?
Actinium
What do you call a person from a blue planet?
a Neptunium
What element is in great abundance in the land of Hades?
Plutonium
What are you proud to be?
an Americium
What do you call a stupid state?
Californium
What do you call genius?
Einsteinium, Fermium, Mendelevium, Curium
What is the prize element?
Nobelium, Gold, Silver
What does a queen do to a knight?
Dubnium
~Other Scientific puns~
There are two hydrogen atoms right? And the fist says to the second, “I think I’ve lost my electron”. The second replies, “Are you sure?” and the first says “I’m positive”
Geology Rocks; Don’t take it for granite!
Do you know any electrical puns?
(they reply no) Oh how shocking, perhaps you need a jolt, you look a little wired. Oh and to let you know; resistance is futile It’s less than one OHM.
It’s none of my bismuth but you’re dense as lead!
What do you call a rocket that has a hard time getting into space?
A challenger
My orbitals are hybridized and ready to bond
Bonding—so good yet so dangerous… Ionic isn’t it?
Chemists do it on tables periodically
Chemists do it with models
If you are not part of the solution you are part of the precipitate
Old Chemists never die they just stop reacting
A day without fusion is like a day with out sunshine
I am not lazy I am full of potential energy
Black holes really suck
Acids and bases are pHun
Is ROY G. BIV your secret lover?
Oxidents happen
~General Puns~
Would you like to hear the story about the 3000 year old mummy?
Oh never mind you could never unravel it
Would you like me to tell you about how sharp the vampires teeth are?
Oh never mind you would never get the point
Would you like to talk about the sun?
Oh never mind its way over your head.
Your so bright your parents must call you sonny!
~Math Puns~
It’s easy as PUNkin pi!
Math counts.
~Pantheonic Puns~
What do you see when Aires punches you witless?
Mars
How does Poseidon release his angry energy?
In Waves
What is the range of Ero’s arrows?
1000 Cupid meters
What do you call a Greek God’s sun chariot?
Apollo 1
How fast is Hermes?
As fast as Mercury in heat.
What kind of tree does Hera see every morning when she wakes up?
A blue Zeus
When you go to Tartorus what is the first question Hades asks?
How long have you been dying to get down here?
How should you reply to Hades question?
I shouldn’t be here this is all a grave misunderstanding
What does Hades think to himself late at night?
Why’s it always so dead quiet down here?
~Geographic Puns~
What is the first thing a Pakistani asks when buying a llama?
Islamabad
How do you get to Lebanon by sea?
The Beirut
What is a Vietnamese person really good at?
Hanoiing
What kind of weapon does an Omenian carry?
A Muscat
What kind of dairy product does a Mongolian names Ulaan use?
Ulaanbaatar
What kind of pen does a Cambodian use?
A Phnom Penn
What kind of music does a South Korean like?
Seoul
What does an angry Thai woman do to her cheating husband with a hammer?
Bangkok
What do you call a detective from Sri Lanka?
Colombo
What kind of business establishment does an Indian like to open?
A New Deli
When Tai barrows money from Taiwan’s government what does the government do?
Make Taipei
What is a Phillipeno’s favorite flavor of ice cream?
Manila
What do you call a person from Jordan?
Amman
What is half the population of the Maldives?
Male
What does a Russian call a cow covered in fungus?
A Moscow
What kind of pet does a Moroccan have?
A Rabat
What do you call an ice berg discovered by a South African named Johan?
Johannesburg
If I were Kenyan and I got out of the shower what would I put on?
Nairobi
What does an Italian do when they get lost?
Rome
What do Irish rabbits start to do really quickly?
Dublin
What do you call an annoying monk from Hungry?
A Budapest
What kind of sprouts do Belgians love?
Brussels sprouts
What does a Frenchman say when they eat a bad piece of fruit?
Paris bad
What do Swiss teens say when they diss each other?
Bern
What happens when a fat Finn goes to hell?
Helsinki
What kind of weapon does a Pollock carry?
A Warsaw
What is the most popular name in Bulgaria?
Sofia
What does a Belarusian villain try to do a hero?
Turn him to Minsk meat
What do you call a croaking amphibian from the Czech Republic?
A Prague
What does an angry Canadian say?
Why I Ottawa!
What does a Jamaican call a royal city?
Kingston
What do you call a pink bird from the Dominican Republic?
A Santo Domingo
What does Paupa New Guinea do to a criminal named Moseby?
Ex-Port Moseby
What is a New Zealanders favorite dinner?
Beef Wellington
What do you say when a Chilean named sandy leaves?
Santiago
Where do you go when you get Hungary?
Turkey
Where were the first French fries made?
In Greece
KENYA name any countries in AFRICA? UGANDA!
~General Puns~
What do you call a male car?
An Audi
Right, well I said I was going to do this to see how cleaver and unique I could be. Despite Beethoven was the original “deaf” jam, I want to see how many Beatles titles I can use in a single piece of mail. In a way it’s like a freaky pun. Let’s see what I can do (just simply for doing it).
This is a message “from me to you”.
Though “it’s been a hard days night” (for “eight days a week” now) “I feel fine”. After taking a walk down “penny lane”, I said “hello goodbye” to all my dearest friends. Especially “Julia”, we talked about how life would be “when I’m sixty-four”. It was a wonderful opportunity for us all to “come together”. By then, “with a little help form my friends” my day was “getting better” and I was screaming “’good morning good morning’!” to the heavens above. As I ascended the hill, the sun was rising and I told myself “Here comes the sun”. This alone made me decide to “drive my car”. I started to hum “yellow submarine” to myself but I decided to “let it be”. I decided I needed serious psychiatric “help”. For breakfast I had a wonderful “wild honey pie” and watched a “blackbird” near “the long and winding road”.
I got to work after a “long, long, long” meeting. I swear my boss’s motto is “everybody’s got something to hide except for me and my monkey”. You see, he’s been spending prolonged time with “lovely Rita”. Can’t wait till his wife finds out, that’s when “happiness is like a warm gun”. Anyway, I work for a publishing company called “mother nature’s son”. I am a “paperback writer” and I am working on my current novel “the continuing story of bungalow bill”. On they way to my office I said “hey Jude” to my assistant and asked for him to get me “Michelle”. As I opened my door I read the sign upon it: “all you need is love”. Good advice, after all money “can’t buy me love”. As I sat at my desk made of “Norwegian wood”, I stared at my “glass onion” sitting on the desk. Jude couldn’t get “Michelle” so he instead sent “Lady Madonna”. “Lady Madonna” of course is a fellow writer working on her new smash hit “’I’m looking through you’ ‘girl’, ‘what goes on’ ‘in my life’ makes me ‘cry baby cry’”. After discussing our fellow employees “Rocky raccoon” and “polythene Pam”, I went to lunch at a wonderful sushi place called “octopus’s garden”.
The chef at the restaurant was known as “mean Mr. mustered” the meanest sushi cook in town. He could whip up one “savory truffle” but he made you want to “run for your life”. As I sat at my seat, I saw an old girlfriend from high school come in. We used to call her “sexy Sadie”. She would always laugh when I asked her “why don’t we do it in the road?” She came in and sat by me. She asked how I was and I asked her the same. She said it was her “birthday”. Since she was feeling a bit self conscious about her age I gave a bit of advice. “‘Oh! Darling’ just ‘because’ you’re another year older doesn’t mean you can’t ‘carry that weight’”. She asked me to keep in touch and I told her “I will”. Just as I was getting ready to leave she asked me to “wait”. She asked if she could come by my house later and I said it was fine but “you won’t see me” till after 8. I told her I had to “get back” to work.
After work I walked into my home and I found Sadie there. I couldn’t believe it, “she came in through the bathroom window”. We decided to go to dinner at “sergeant peppers…” where we got to hear the “…lonely hearts club band”. After dinner we got a “ticket to ride” the subway home.
Overall it was just “a day in life”, “something” always happens. I think that tomorrow I will look back and say “yesterday” was one of the greatest days of my life and that I would travel “across the universe” to live it again. Now, if you’ll excuse me, “I’m so tired”. The “sun king” has been hard at work all day and I need my “golden slumbers”, “good night”
“The End”
That’s right bow before me for I am “your majesty”!!!