Quotes
Most of these are Morgan's.
"Two halfish things make close to a wholish thing."
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?"
Who was the first person to see an egg come from a chicken's butt and think, "I'll bet that would be good to eat?
What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?
What happens if you get scared half to death, ...twice? --Steven Wright
The indiscriminate use of vulgar language is the linguistic crutch of the inarticulate mother f***er.
The leprechauns tell me to burn things.
I can't speak English. You just spoke in English. I only know how to say I can't speak English in English.
It makes me want to cry.
I wish I was asleep.
Retaliation will be swift and painful.
Life is short; stop lights be damned. / Sleep is valuable; woodpeckers be damned.
Death is inevitable, speed up the process.
On an un-related topic...
"I see," said the blind man to the deaf dog peeing in the wind, "its all coming back to me now!"
You've gone off the deep end more than usual.
I want Julie!
Where the hell is Julie?!
Damnit Julie!
What the hell! Damnit Julie, where's my insurance quote!
Stick that in your toilet and flush it!
Time to repress another mental image/childhood memory.
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
I could've eaten Alphabits and crapped out a better essay!!
The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.
THIS SCREAMS MORGAN!: When there's a will, I want to be in it.
After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, "No hablo ingles."
Am I annoying? Am I? Am I? Am I?
As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two...
Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.
DeJa MOO, The feeling that you have heard this bull before.
If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now!!!
Phase 1, collect underpants. Phase 2, … Phase 3, Profit!
There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.
It takes 46 muscles to frown but only 4 to flip 'em the bird.
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.
What you call dog with no legs?
Don't matter what you call him, he ain't gonna come.
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. - Robert Bloch
You laugh because I'm different...........I laugh cause I just farted!
I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades...or a game of fake heart attack.
I'm so old they've cancelled my blood type. -- Bob Hope
You know you're getting fat when you can pinch an inch on your forehead.
I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
A Minneapolis company has come out with a credit card size shotgun that fits in your wallet. The inventor says he invented it to give people a sense of security. Oh yeah, what makes you feel more secure than sitting on shotgun? Now how does this work? What's the first thing a thief steals? Your wallet, oh, now he's got your gun too! --Jay Leno
The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. But not in that order.
Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
Why aren't there ever any guilty bystanders?
Why buy shampoo when real poo is still free?
Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
Why do flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?
Why do people park in driveways and drive on parkways? --Larry Anderson
Why do people tell you when they are speechless?
Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?
Why do they call it 'getting your dog fixed' if afterwards it doesn't work anymore?
Why do they call Wednesday hump day, when most people get laid on the weekends?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex? --Art Hoppe
Why doesn't the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie? (I think you might know who I mean...)
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
There were too many amazingly funny questions/quote things, so the rest can be found here: http://www.corsinet.com/braincandy/stupid.html
1) Mrs Fabrizo: "King Louis was chasing anythgin in a skirt."
Tim: "Poor Scottsman."
2) Mrs. Fabrizo: "I hate to break it to you but you've been lied to your whole life."
Tim: "The last time you told us we've been lied to, you talked abotu sex. I don't want to know what's next."
3) Mrs Fabrizo: "Totalitarianism, you surrender your liberties and they force you to be free."
Tim: "Strip down and frolic damnit! You're free!"
4) Tim about his pen: "It doesn't want to screw!"
5) Tim on dating: "Who needs a signifigant other when you have a history text book? What it doesn't fight back and is a hell of a lot smarter than me!... What it doesn't fight for covers either!"
6) Tim's genral philosophy: "F**k the French"
7) Tim on men: "You can slap man infront of anything and make it work!"
8) Tim on Metallica "I like Hammet damnit!"
9) Tim on crude euphemisms "Son of a monkey bum!!!"
10 Morgan on 'can men flex down there': "It will come to you in a dream."
11) Should be on every bathroom stall: "Here I sit, my cheeks a clenchin', givin birth to another Frenchmen!"
12) "That is man cute/man pretty."
13) Morgan on Tim's punnig: "Where's my stick..? Evil puns burn in hell!"
14) Tim on being naughty and making perverse jokes: "I am so going to hell but at least I am gunna have fun on the way down and the bright side is all my friends will be there, course I suppose I don't really have to worry about hell, I almost forgot I am athiest."
15) Morgan on universal blame: "Stupid Frenchies"
16) Tim on universal blame: "God damned Frenchies"
17) The French militray oath: "Je suis Francias. Je soumis! Je soumis! Je ne peux pas gagner! Ce me fait pleuer!" (translated = I am french. I surrender! I surrender! I cannot win! It makes me want to cry!")
18) Tim's motto on help/aid: "When the going gets rough don't call the French or Mitchell Dean Thompson."
19) Tim's AIM motto on ineptitude: "There comes a point where every semi intellligent - partially rational man must say, my hands are tied, I can do no more, when I reach that point, you'll be the first to know...yes that just may explain my excessive failure."
20) Tim on creating a metaphor (Freshman year): "Darth vader is like an over cooked potato... a little on the dark side."
21) Tim on explaining analogies: "Analogies are like clouds..."
22) Tim upon receving an eye exam Freshamn year (without his glasses): "That looks like a little island in the south pacific"
23) Jordan Tracey on Matt Warren: "You could give him liposuction and get pure mayonaise!"
24) Tim on technical difficulties: "Bastardous technology!"
25) Ann on Tim goign bald: "Yes, I will ask you 'how much did you have to pay for that toupee?'"
26) Aurand on being very very hairy: "Ya when my wife itches my back, she has to use a garden rake."
27) Tim on tormenting Colucci for being bald 1: "Hey Mr. Colucci did you get into a fight with a lawn mower and lose?"
28) TIm on tormenting Colucci for beign bald 2: "Hey Mr. Colucci did you work in a wax factory when you were young?"
29) Tims universal term for bald Colucci and Aurand: "Blady locks"
30) Mitchell on spelling: "Arkansas starts with an 'R' and ends with a 'w'."
31) Tim on Mitchells poorly crafted essays: "What do you call a monkey bum with diarreah? One of Mitchell's essays, it keeps running and running and running."
32) Tim's universal name for Mitchell, the original, while dancing: "Man look at those hips swivel... he's like the Energizer Bunny... I need to get me a pair of them at Walmart!"
33) Tim on putitng Mitchell in his place 1: "Hey caveman want to go clubbin'?"
34) Tim on putting Mitchell in his place 2: "Mitchell, want a heaping plate of beef wellington for dinner?''
35) Mitchell on being an oblivious dumb ass: "Whose Keith Richards and Mick Jagger?"
36) Tim on the Vietnam War: "If in doubt blame the French"
"Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." --Al Gore, Vice President
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." --Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." --Keppel Enderbery
"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." --Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
Gieco on life: "So easy a caveman can do it."
Tim on Mitchell's excessive amounts of hair: "Mitchell's not natural, but Oak Express is"
Farris (Alex) on Tim's pretty femisitic cursive: "It's Semi-Orgasmic!"
Tim on Mitchell's (potential, we pray not) son: "Son of a Mitch!"
Tim on Mitchell's misfortunes: "Life's a Mitch ain't it?"
'The Lunch group on world domination deligation: "Mitchell gets Gauntanimo Bay!"
Kimber on Mitchell's 'bad habbits': "Mitchell's on the whore list (in the girls bathroom stall), he's a man whore!"
Kurt Livo on Tim's 7th grade nickname 1: "Shut up woman and make me a pie!"
Kurt Livo on Tim's 7th grade nickname 2: "Hey you ge out of the bushes!"
Morgan on AC/DC: "Dirty Deeds Done to Sheep."
New Content:
Mrs. Fabrizio’s Quotes:
Wealth “ain’t da bling.” 12/14/07
“You people are a bunch of stinky monkeys.”
“There’s no food, stupid! […] Because it’s the Enlightenment, stupid!”
“Hahaha suckers! That’s the end of your revolution!”
“Nobody’s gonna let chicks vote.” 1/23/08
About the XYZ Affair: “Americans are like AAARGH!!!!!!!” 1/23/08
About Napoleon: “He made it by (high pitched voice): ‘This much’”. 1/25/08
To the question posed about where Eric Fauble is going to college: “Eric Fauble is going to the one hour college of dry cleaning and martinizing.” 1/25/08
“This is a map of Napoleonic Europe in 18 o’ 12.” 1/30/08
“I want to Feeeeeeeeel!!!!” 2/06/08
“That’s what happens to you when you smoke opium.” 2/06/08
“I told you and you laughed at me…fools!” 2/06/08
“…Weird kids in the back…” (yes that was said about Tim and Dillon and other assorted people that sit in the back) 2/13/08
“By now, France is part of the big boy’s club.” 2/13/08
When discussing Industrialization: “You don’t want your final product to be a hunk of crap!” 2/22/08
Also about Industrialization and the dangers of working in factories: “If you loose your hand, we’ll find someone else with another hand.” 2/22/08
About the age of revolutions, and how Great Britain didn’t have a revolution in 1848: “There’s no revolution, are you kidding?! They go home and have some tea!” 2/29/08 (Leap Day/Formal Friday)
“C’mon girlfriend, let’s get with it.” 3/05/08
About the war in 1864-Austria and Prussia vs. Denmark: “This is like the New York Giants against Brownie troop 510.” 3/12/08
“Prussia--those goose-stepping idiots.” 3/12/08
Said to Ian Stit (FINALLY): “Ian, SHUTUP!!” 3/14/08 (Pi Day)
“History must be faaair!!…Damnit! 3/19/08
-Mrs Fabrizio: “People do really stupid things.”
-Tim: “Just look at France!”
-Mrs Fabrizio: “That’s one example.”
-Erika: “Did you just say ‘groovy’?”
-Mrs. Fabrizio: “Yes, I just said ‘groovy’.” 3/21/08
“I got game.” 3/21/08
To Dillon: “Would you like to live to see spring break? 3/21/08
“…and morality and materialism and…crap.” 3/21/08
-Mrs. Fabrizio: “Stop living like a sheep. Live like a -
-Fauble: -“Cow!” 3/21/08
When learning about superego (influence of others): “This [superego] is your professor….threatening to kill Dillon Jess before spring break.” 3/21/08
“Voltaire is was the world’s greatest smartass.”
About being a governess: “You’re dealing with a bunch of snotty-nosed, no neck monsters.” 4/02/08
(Written on the board before a test): “Abandon all hope, ye who enter here.” 4/4/08
About French colonization of Africa: “They have an empire…of sand.” 4/4/08
To Jodi after a test: “Let me hold your little hands.” 4/9/08
-Ian Stit: “Can I commit suicide?”
-Mrs. Fabrizio: “If you like.” 4/7/08
Why French and Germans hate each other: “The French won’t accept the rape of Alsace-Lorraine.” 4/9/08
About nationalism turning into chauvinism: “My country’s number 1; you suck!” 4/11/08
“Austria-Hungary is the melting pot in which nothing melts.” 4/11/08
(In an angry voice): “Let’s crush Germany!” 4/18/08
About Hitler: “That’s going to give him his boost from crackpot to political leader.” 4/18/08
About Bloody Sunday: “U2 can kill each other. I don’t care.” 4/18/08
-Mrs. Fabrizio: “What will happen as a result of the shortage of men after the war?”
- “A rise in lesbianism?”
About Mein Kampf: “If you read it you would think, ‘what drugs is this guy on?’”
“Take the hat off, stop talking, have a nice day.” 5/7/08
“Timmy boy is MIA.” 4/21/08
“Marx tires to organize the proliterate and it doesn’t work…it’s like herding cats.” 4/28/08
Fabrizio on the Spanish Armada: "The Protestant winds blew the armada into cliffs."
-Mrs. Fabrizio: "What’s your problem with France? They are one of the most progressive countries in history. Without them we wouldn’t be where we are."
-Tim: "Of course they are the most progressive country, they are always one the run from their past!"
-Tim on the excommunication of Napoleon: "They should have sent him to the US, he could have caused issues here. We could have been France’s bitch!"
-Guy: "Ya we'd be like Canada!"
Mrs. Fabrizio: "Listen up everyone I'm going to teach the most important thing you will ever learn. Russia is a very big country."
-Mrs. Fabrizio to Ian Stit after he made stupid comments regarding the Cult of domesticity: "Would you like me to find a wife for you?"
-Tim perks head up- "Yes actually, I may have better luck"
-Mrs. Fabrizio on students talking during a test: "I think we need to have a defenestration for a few students."
-Tim: "Yes! Let’s start with Mitchell!"
-Mrs. Fabrizio on German supremacy in the late 19th century: "Germany was Europe’s leading power. If they wanted an alliance with you its like the hottest boy asking you to prom."
-Tim: "That’s right ladies. I'm going to prom with all of Germany"
-Mrs. Fabrizio: " It pains me to connect the French chauvinism to the Revolution"
-Tim: "Is wine and cheese a more desirable answer?"
Mrs. Fabrizio: "The Ottoman Empire is decaying and countries are popping up like dandy lions after a spring rain." 4/11/08
-Mrs. Fabrizio on the treaty of Versailles: "What does France want?"
-Zach: "Non sagging balls"
-Tim: "We left off at 'why did it go so wrong'?"
-Mrs. Fabrizio: "Sounds like the story of my life."
Mrs. Fabrizio: "That’s right Stalin is from god- forsaken Georgia"
-Tim: "Where is Stalin from?"
-Mrs. Fabrizio: "You know very well where he's from"
Tim: "It's of the FABRIZEE- Yo!"
The Best Tim-Fabrizio argument to date!
-Tim on the economic unity of the EU: "So didn’t we beat Europe to unity in, oh, the 1770's?"
-Mrs. Fabrizio: "What about that thing from the 1860's?"
-Tim: " But the colonies came together and we are still here."
-Mrs. Fabrizio: "I'll give you that one"
-Tim: "Score one for the good guys!"
-Mrs. Fabrizio: "I can read this from here why can't you?"
-Tim: "Because I'm old... and feeble"
Mrs. Fabrizio- "How are you going to get him [Stalin] out [of Eastern Europe]? Bug spray?"
Mrs. Fabrizio- "He [Brezhnev] is Darth Vader."
-Mrs. Fabrizio: "Albanians follow their own form of radical communism closer to the Chinese version then the soviets"
-Tim: "Albanians are crack pot Commi’s"
Mrs. Fabrizio during a lecture: "Would you like a break?... TOO BAD!"
Tim: "There’s the carrot... and there’s the stick!" (Truman reference)
-Mrs. Fabrizio: "What have we been discussing all year? It's all about the western heritage and what brought us to where we are today."
-Erika: "OMG Mrs. Fabrizy! That’s why the book is called Western Heritage!"
Mrs. Fabrizo on note taking when Dillon was forced to stand in the front of the room: "A series of people with unpronounceable names he can't write out."
Random quotes:
“Trust the Force Alex! -Mrs. Cook 1/28/08
“Take the foot with you.” -Mrs. Cook
“Let’s go, don’t cry, let’s work.” -Mrs. Cook 2/26/08
“Do I sound like a gangsta’? I’m a gangsta!” -Mrs. Cook 2/26/08
“Because he’s an idiot and he ran away.” Kyle Tripp’s quote repeated by Mrs. Peters, 2/08/08
“If life didn’t suck, we’d all fall off. -The wall in Mrs. Peters’s room
“The 20th century, for lack of a better word, sucked.” -Mrs. Peters
“Von Schlieffen sounds like a perscription drug.”…I take Von Schlieffen to help me sleep.” -Morgan 4/14/08
“I’m a thinker!…Aww crap! -Mr. Westerkamp
“DUDE! Mitch’s got a beard!” -Tyler Seltzer 5/5/08
“Hippies one, France nothing.” -Morgan 4/28/08
-“Alex, would you like a banana?”
-“No, they make me feel dirty.”
-Mrs. Cook: “Where’s Alex and Kevin?”
-“They went to the bathroom.”
-Mrs. Cook: “Together?!?!”
“Me and Eric Clapton are tight. I went to his concert…he went to his concert.” -Michelle/Billy/Zombie
With the glitter in Mitchell’s back pack:
-Mitchell: “Morgan! What are you doing?”
-Morgan: “Agitating the contents.”
“That’s why organic chemistry can kiss my big…hairy…things…” -Tim 4/29/08
Pancake Thursday Quotes 2/14/08:
“I’m sorry I can’t make a good swastika out of pancake batter” -Kevin
“Move that there…It looks like an elephant straight out of Africa.” -Kevin/ Mrs. Cook
“Take a picture of the boys emailing pancakes.” -Mrs. Cook
“We made an elephant, a fish, a fetus…” (out of pancake batter) -Eric Fauble
Other assorted quotes:
"Before you criticize a man, you should walk a mile in his shoes. That way, you are a mile away from him. And you've got his shoes."