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Tim's Lists

       IMPORTANT! Hello everyone! This is Tim. I Just wanted to start by thanking Ann for letting me put these here, I am grateful that I never have to send one off again! For those of you who don’t know me, I have my own cult. People I don't know get a hold of these and all the sudden I am known. Its unbelievably creepy. Anyway I want it known that TWO LISTS can be found at the bottom of the FRENCH JOKES PAGE. Both the "A Tribute to the French" and "Potential French National Anthems" are located there. "Tim's Puns O PUNishment" list can be foudn on the Puns page. Just to clarify, I don’t care who copies, pastes and prints them, my only stipulation is that when you show them to someone, please say, and I quote, "Ya some kid with no life named Tim who has way to much free time and needs to get a girlfriend cause he’s such a nerd wrote this." Thank You. WARNING! Some of these lists may be offensive, sexist and sexually explicit. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK! I would also like to apologize for the misnumbering of the first two lists. It is the same list until another title appears and is nothing more than a formatting error. Overall most of this came from me and my sick and twisted head. Some however, is the contribution of others.The list of pick up lines that is so popular and gigantic, can be found on the "1000+ Pick Up lines" tag on the left. It is named this because the number continues to increase and no standard numerical value can be set. The pick up lines list was practically all Googled except for 13 that I wrote. "Tim Having a Girlfriend Is like..." was the original list from Freshman year and is approx 2/3 mine. The rest is contributions from others. Kimber has earned a 10-15% contibution for the "Times to fornicate/Times NOT to Fornicate" list. Other than that, its pretty much all mine. Thank you!

Tim’s list proving why political correctness is destroying America (It is what it is People)

Unfortunately in current day America, it is nearly impossible to say something that does not offend SOMEONE. Due to this unfortunate circumstance, I have begun to construct a list that will save you from the grasp of society’s vortex of political correctness. USING THIS LIST MAY SAVE YOUR LIFE. This list may alleviate being slapped, harassed, slandered, criticized by Jesse Jackson or the Reverend Al Sharpton; it may very well save you from a long tedious lawsuit. Please take this list with the utmost seriousness because if you don’t, your rhombus may wind up in a sling.


1. There is no such thing as a “Democratic Congressman” only “A promiscuous profiteer”
2. There is no such thing as a “Republican Congressman” only “A big business profiteer”
3. Women are not “Babes” or a “chicks” they should be referred to as “Breasted Americans”
4. No woman is “easy” but some are “Horizontally accessible”
5. There is no such thing as a “Dumb Blonde” only a “Light haired detour off the information super highway”
6. No woman has “Been Around” but some are “Previously- Enjoyed Companions”
7. Women do not “nag”, they become “verbally repetitive”
8. There is no such thing as a “Two bit hooker” only a “Low cost provider”
9. Men cannot have “beer guts” only “Liquid Grain storage facilities”
10. Men cannot be “Bad Dancers” only “Overly Caucasian”
11. Men do not “get lost”, men only “Investigate alternative destinations”
12. Men don’t undergo “balding” they “undergo follicle regression”
13. No man can be a “total ass” instead he develops a case of “Rectal—cranial inversion”
14. Its not his “crack” you see out of his pants, but his “rear cleavage”
15. Men are not “gay” they are “In touch with his inner femininity”
16. They are not “older than dirt” they are “aged to a fine grain”
17. They aren’t a “dumb ass” they’re “Intelligence rivals that of a donkey”
18. There is no such thing as a “smart ass” only “someone far smarter than you”
19. There is no such thing as a “slut” only a woman that “Frequently indulges in powerful sensations”
20. There is no such thing as a “nerd”, only someone “Spending time alone Friday night at the library”
21. Men are not “Sir Elton John Like” they are “show-offish”
22. Men are not “buffoons”, they are “Incapable of succeeding at the simplest feats”
23. Three is no such thing as “down right pure undiluted villainy” only “a touch of evil”
24. There is no such thing as a “Hippy”, only “Long haired, Free liven, free bird loving’ people in search of drastic change and a better environment”
25. There is no such thing as a female “virgin” only a young woman “untouched by the physical alterations of men and their impure thoughts of utter perversion”
26. No man is “shinny headed” they must be referred to as “the brightest of all their colleagues”
27. Nothing is “satanic”, things however may be “of questionable purity”
28. There is no such thing a “sociopathic axe killer” only “Someone who has been exposed to way too much Dharma and Greg”
29. Women do not “undergo PMS” they “share the practices of the praying mantis with their mate”
30. You may not use the word “ass” only “rhombus, rear, rump, hinny or bum”
31. There is no such thing as “not paying attention” only the “mind being preoccupied”
32. There is no such thing as a “Geek” only a “level 60 paladin”
33. No “Level 60 Paladin” is “Anti social”, they are just “Alone every Saturday night in front of their computer”
34. There is no such thing as “metrics” only “the other measurement system used around the world”
35. no such thing a “solutionless problem” only a “paradox”
36. No one can be “stubborn” only “rightfully defiant”
37. Women are not “contradictory” they just “fail to pick a side’
38. People aren’t “pyromaniacs” they have a “fond love for bright things”
39. You don’t “have to take a piss” you have to “satisfy the urge to purge”
40. When women say “deal with it” they actually mean “Eat the phegal matter that comes from my mouth no matter how bad it tastes”
41. When a woman calls a man an “idiot” she must say “You do not understand the words coming out of my mouth”
42. Women are not “Bitches” they are “female dogs in heat that are easily agitated by males”
43. Women do not have “tits” they are properly referred to as “ the chalices of life”
44. A woman cannot be a “Hairy Gremlin” she can however be “A vertically challenged woman with abnormal testosterone levels”
45. Women are not “lesbians” they “Enjoy the divine understanding of other women”
46. NO woman is “random” she only “fails to have a rhyme or reason behind her incoherent Rambling”
47. Correction—some women found that last one “Politically incorrect”: Women do not “ramble” they “carry on importantly”
48. there is no such thing as a “chain gang” only “A group of rowdy individuals that wields chains and has the intent of killing others”
49. There is no such thing as a “plumber” only a “poo-poo pot irrigation specialist”
50. No woman is “butt ugly” they may only “resemble the swollen leaky anus of a multi colored bum baboon”
51. NO woman can be called “fat” she just “resembles a can of Crisco”
52. No woman is “evil” she just “Partakes in the practice of the succubae”
53. No teenage girl is a “drama queen” her “vocabulary is, like, whatever”
54. No woman is “sadistic” she may be “infatuated to the frayed ends of sanity” but not “sadistic”
55. No man is “Macho” he’s just “An overly competitive egotist driven by raging hormones”
56. No man or person may be “addicted” they may be “Overly reliant to the point of suicide” but not “addicted”
57. Three is no such thing as “making out” only the “exchange of bodily fluids via anterior opening’’
58. No teenage girl is “flirty” she just “dresses in a risqué manner flaunting skin, smiles and laughs excessively while exuding pheromones:”
59. There is no such thing as a “male fairy” only “men who idolize tinker bell”
60. There are no such things as “stalkers” only people “obsessed to a point of questionable sanity”
61. There are no such things as “illegal immigrants” FROM ANY COUNTRY, only “undocumented workers”
62. There is no such thing as an “American Citizen” only “residents”
63. There is no “immigration issue” only “another baby boom”
64. The government does not “lie to the people”, it maintains “plausible deniability”
65. There are no such things as “Commi’s” only “extreme leftists”
66. There are no such things as “monopolies” only “corporations interested solely in their own profits”
67. Women do not “fart” they instead “excrete faint-short lived methane calamities”
68. No one is “crazy”, they have only “temporarily misplaced their marbles”
69. No one can be “burned” only “outsmarted”
70. No one is a “bad speller”, they just “haven’t spent prolonged time reading the dictionary”
71. There is no such thing as a “lampoon”, only “Something that offends someone”
72. O.J. is not “guilty” he is just “not innocent”
73. No Woman is “Dirty”, she is only “in touch with nature”
74. No one “falls asleep in class” they may however be” overly deprived of sleep”
75. There are no such things as “war hawks” only the “Bush administration”
76. There are no such things as “yellow bellied panty-waists” only the “democrats in congress”
77. There is no such things as “Pansies” only the “French”
78. No politician is “self serving” they are only “guided by the agenda of those who contribute to their campaign funds”
79. Lawyers are not “liars” they “invert the truth for money”
80. There is no such thing as a “stoner” only someone who “Like sot expand their mind”
81. There are no “ethics” only “Hollywood”
82. There are no “bad influences for young children” only the “plights of Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears”
83. There was no such thing as “the holocaust” only “a massive genocide of people of the Jewish faith”
84. There is no such thing as “Liberal news” only the “Washington post”
85. America is not “losing freedoms”, it is “becoming politically correct”

Tim Having A Girlfriend is Like...

1) Being lucky when your vice presidents last name is Johnson
2) The US finding Osama Bin Laddin
3) Twinkies being healthy
4) The confederacy winning the American civil war
5) Elton John being a hardcore heavy death metal musician
6) Ludwig Von Beethoven being able to hear
7) Lee Harvey Oswald strolling in downtown Dallas as a free man
8) John F Kennedy Jr. floating to safety
9) The U2 spy plane being untouchable
10) Irishmen not having pubs
11) Jeffery Dommer eating McDonalds chicken nuggets
12) Liberaci marring a woman
13) Regan remembering foreign policy
14) Americans not having out sourced jobs to Asian countries
15) Jimmy Carter knowing what he is doing
16) Bobby Kennedy being the 35th American president
17) Mr. Floyd not waiting for the worms to come
18) The Dixy Chicks being popular
19) France winning a war
20) France winning a civil war
21) France Winning anything
22) Prince William having perfect teeth
23) Ted Kennedy being a pure blood conservative
24) Brittany Spears being a virgin
25) John F Kennedy being a faithful spouse to Jacqueline
26) Elton John passing on his name when he gets married
27) The Bush administration solving problems
28) Nixon not being a crook
29) The bush administration being able to keep CIA agents identities a secret
30) Lincoln walking out of fords theater
31) JK Rowling being Vietnamese
32) Clinton Being an honest lawyer
33) Yoko Ono actually being able to sing
34) Christopher Reeve Flying
35) Oprah Winfred, Bill Gates, and Donald Trump going entirely bankrupt
36) Girls owning less than three dozen shoes
37) An American walking into Baghdad waving an American flag
38) Michael Jackson being convicted
39) Jesse Jackson becoming president
40) Being able to understand Shakespeare
41) Romeo and Juliet living happily ever after
42) Nepal’s flag being rectangular
43) A John Lennon reunion concert
44) Sunny Bono returning to Vail Colorado
45) Chuck Norris crying
46) Tom Cruise not being an egotistical scientologist
47) Michael Moore making an intelligent film
48) Kim Jong Il not being a lonely dictator
49) Colorado weather men correctly predicting the weather
50) Pluto being the ninth planet
51) Palestine giving up the west bank
52) Michael Jackson being white
53) The Hindenburg merrily floating away
54) The Ukrainians actually being able to run a nuclear power plant
55) The Titanic actually being unsinkable
56) Someone Living to see Chuck Norris Roundhouse kick
57) A villain returning on Walker Texas Ranger
58) France Blitzkrieging Germany
59) North Korea surrendering to South Korea
60) Understanding a worker at McDonalds
61) A smart blonde
62) A smart Canadian
63) The actual existence of Yum the magical cookie god
64) The challenger making it into space
65) The UK driving on the right side of the road
66) Surviving an encounter with Chuck Norris
67) Mercury being safe
68) Getting lead poisoning form talc
69) China freeing Tibet
70) O.J. Simpson really being innocent
71) The glove not actually fitting
72) Oinking during the chicken dance
73) Unfixed gas prices
74) Illegal’s not hopping the border
75) The US building a great wall
76) Cuba not being communist
77) Fidel Castro living to see another day
78) Quebec wanting to be part of Canada
79) Africa not having aids
80) Antarctica taking over the world via kitty cats
81) Sweden not having meatballs
82) Salmon not swimming upstream
83) Canada becoming the 51st state
84) Israel’s primary religion not being Jewish
85) Matt Stone and Trey Parker being politically correct
86) This list being politically correct
87) Antarctica being the number one world wide beach resort
88) Al Gore having friends
89) Al Gore Lobbying for large oil companies
90) Manbearpig Being real
91) Kenny living to see another day
92) Chef living
93) Towelie being sober
94) America not over consuming
95) Timmah not being in a wheel chair
96) Jimmy not stud-stud-studdering
97) Mr. Hankey not saying “Hideee HO”
98) Robert Redford not throwing the sundance film festival
99) This list not breaking one hundred…
100) DPS being a half decent school district
101) C-SAP meaning something
102) Bill Owens passing the Third grade C-SAP
103) C-SAP not giving the worst paper cuts ever
104) There being no such thing as the “Union of the Soviet Socialist Jefferson county republic school system”
105) The soviet unions flag being red, white and blue
106) Windows 98 working well
107) Microsoft not being a monopoly
108) The guy from monopoly not having the little glass in his eye
109) Bill Gates resembling Fabio
110) Fabio getting a buzz cut
111) Art history being fun
112) The Da Vinci code being fact
113) An American made product
114) Van Gough being an impressionist
115) Van Gough having two ears
116) Stories about the last breakfast
117) Jeffco not over spending
118) Arnold Swartzenger and Chuck Norris starring in Broke Back Mountain
119) New Orleans being high and dry
120) Michael Bolton making even slightly bearable music
121) Navy not being gay
122) Queen making a song called “we are the losers”
123) Freddie Mercury not dressing in revealing jumpsuits
124) Hickenlooper and Bush doing something about Illegal immigration
125) The middle east not having oil
126) A Chea pet with hair
127) The Partridge family resembling the Osbournes in any way
128) Tim Robbins being a smoker
129) Visiting Atlantis in 2020
130) Pat Robertson wearing a Yahmaca
131) John Edwards being a psycic
132) A slug out running Wally West
133) Bruce Wayne’s alias being Robin
134) Superman gaining power form kryptonite and weakening form the sun
135) The pink lantern
136) Wonder Woman having a visible jet
137) Being able to understand Sylvester Stallone
138) Rocky stopping after the 5th installment
139) Rocky losing to Mr. T
140) Iran abandoning their nuclear program
141) Princess Diana getting into a car with a sober driver
142) Douglass Macarthur not returning to the Philippines
143) Alexander Hamilton establishing the first furrby factory
144) Being able to trust Benedict Arnold
145) Cornwallis winning the revolutionary war
146) Puritans being pure liberals
147) Cher not having more plastic than C-4
148) Cher having a definite hair color
149) Fredo leading the Coreleone family
150) Tom Hagen being an Italian
151) Jaws being about a terrifying minnow
152) Courtney Love not being high
153) The “King” (Elvis) popping out of the gave
154) The tocma-narrow bridge still standing
155) The Columbia staying in one piece
156) Fidel Castro turning to democracy
157) Terry Schivo staying on life support
158) The Wright brothers making the first submarine
159) A screen door on a submarine
160) Willy Nelson being an intellectual
161) Mike Tyson being calm and cuddly
162) Mike Tyson not loving the taste of ear
163) George foreman not selling sissy men grills
164) Riding on a Horse with no name through a lush tropical forest
165) Eric Clapton’s classic “cocaine” being adapted to Hank Hill with the song “Propane”
166) Dan Marino Winning the Super bowl
167) The soviets winning the 1980 Olympics
168) Amsterdam having strict drug laws
169) Pat Robertson being a flaming liberal
170) Marie Curry dying of a freak accident involving sting rays
171) Steve Erwin dying of radiation exposure
172) Gollum in search of the “toilet seat of power-one pot to rule them all”
173) Mars being called the green planet
174) George Washington sailing down the Mekong river
175) The Nile not being depressing
176) Cleopatra on the Rio Grande
177) Roger Moore being a partially decent James Bond
178) Sean Penn keeping his mouth shut
179) Jimi Hendrix not being the greatest guitar player of all time
180) Lance Bass being part of a rock group
181) Marilyn Manson being part of a 90’s crappy boy band
182) 98 degrees making past number 98 on the top 200 hundred chart
183) India not having elephants
184) Mel Gibson actually being a Scottish revolutionary
185) Jack Nicholson not having crazy eyes
186) Prince Charles not committing adultery
187) The Beach Boys singing “Iron Man”
188) Uranium and Plutonium being stable substances
189) Cartman being a good Samaritan
190) Sean Connery not being the best 007 ever with that suave Irish accent
191) Mr. T not weighing an extra 200 lbs due to blilng
192) JFK wanting a bullet in his head
193) Janis Joplin not being a child of the 70’s
194) Elton john not wearing huge pink magnifying glasses for glasses
195) William Shatner at a star wars convention
196) Janet Jackson not having a wardrobe malfunction during a super bowl halftime show
197) Elvis coming home and returning form the mother ship
198) Bohemian Rhapsody in French being a breakout hit
199) This list stopping at 200…
200) Simon Cowell getting a soul
201) William Hung being able to sing
202) Elvis not neighing like a horse when he sings
203) P-Diddy riding down the river o knowledge yo
204) Tupac rapping again for an encore tour
205) Bill Clinton not eating a 99 cent heart attack at McDonalds
206) Dick Chaney having a sharp shooters aim
207) Negal reconstructing New Orleans
208) New Orleans fixing the levies
209) England’s official language being latin
210) Tim not eating off a pink zoo pals fork
211) Tim not wearing a blue and white sweat shirt that makes him appear “feminine”
212) Germany’s flag being a solid white
213) Rosie O’ Donald not talking smack about Christianity
214) Rosie O’ Donald not jiggling like a vat of white Jell-O
215) Another Brick in the wall part 2 being attribute to teachers
216) Patriot act supporting privacy
217) Fox Moulder not searching for the truth
218) The leaning tower of Pisa erect at 90 degrees
219) France inventing French fries
220) Belgium inventing the Belgian waffle
221) Tom cruise not doing couch acrobatics on live tv
222) Like J lo being able to sing
223) Ben Affleck being able to act
224) Pearl Harbor full of Japanese warships
225) E= (-b +/-(square root of) b^2 -4ac)/2a
226) Rosie O’ Donald denouncing gun control
227) Einstein having well styled hair
228) Corn growing faster than paint drying
229) The United States switching to metrics
230) Finding Jimmy Hoffa’s corpse
231) The earth being flat
232) Columbus sailing to India
233) Christopher Reeve participating in the next equestrian tournament
234) Jacques Chiric being a war hero
235) Paul McCartney keeping his second wife
236) Oliver Parry yelling “Don’t Give Up the Burrito!”
237) Patrick Henry saying “Give me oppression or give me death!”
238) Politics (Poly-Ticks) not meaning “many blood sucking parasites”
239) Tim Being able to spell
240) The SR-71 being shot down
241) Sound traveling faster than light
242) Tim not being a nerd
243) Ohio’s flag not being pentagonal
244) Afflack commercials not featuring an annoying duck
245) Matt Damon not being a total retard
246) The KKK supporting the civil rights movement
247) Pink Smurfs
248) John Wayne not staggering
249) Blinky the clown actually being funny
250) Edison inventing electricity
251) Scarface screaming “Say hello to my gigantic friend!”
252) Darth Vador saying “Luke, I am your third cousins uncle twice removed on your mothers aunt’s neice’s side”
253) Indiana Jones saying “Furrbies, why did it have to be furrbies?”
254) Miami Vice taking place in Addis Ababa, Ethiopia
255) A cylindrical pyramid
256) A circle with vertices
257) THIS LIST BEING ANYTHING SHORT OF UTTERLY DEPRESSING
258) The 1930’s being referred to as “The great decade of prosperity”
259) Waters chemical composition being Cl2
260) Howard Stern having morals
261) The trix rabbit going coo coo for coco puffs
262) Napoleon conquering the world
263) Thanksgiving on April 20th
264) A CEO with an ounce of compassion
265) A telemarketer hanging up the phone
266) Money physically growing on trees
267) Pink Floyd reuniting
268) A monkey playing the accordion while and a short fat Italian man with a mustache dancing around with a cup
269) June 6th 1945 marking the end of the Vietnam war
270) An American Monarchy
271) The Eagles singing about Hotel Alaska
272) California being normal
273) A teenage girl not using all of her cell minutes in under a week
274) Hulk Hogan becoming a ballerina
275) Volcanic activity in Kansas
276) Arkansas being spelt “Arkansaw”
277) The capital of New Zealand being Auckland
278) An honest politician
279) Lyle Lovett playing Legolas
280) Thomas Jefferson being a tyrant
281) Samuel Adams brewing rum
282) Patrick Duffy making it big in the movies
283) Mortal Kombat primarily revolving around fuzzy bunnies
284) Frank Zappa naming his kids normal names
285) Roger Waters, David Gilmour Robert Plant, Jimmy Page and Eric Clapton being the Village people
286) Charles De Gaulle on the American 5$ bill
287) Bavarian Blue Cheese being red
288) Donkey Kong with sea monkeys
289) Yoda speaking normally
290) Martin Luther king Jr living to a ripe old age
291) Shaq winning a basket ball game against Yoda
292) M. Night Shamalan Making a chick flick
293) Howard Dean head of the Republican party
294) Martha Stewart not committing perjury
295) A clean political campaign
296) Ted Bundy being a women’s yoga instructor
297) Johnny Depp living in America
298) Tupac being an advocate of gun control
299) This list concluding at 300…
300) Eminim being black
301) Eminim working at an M & M factory
302) The Americans winning the Alamo
303) Davy Crockett being a French coward
304) Tim failing a class
305) A blonde haired blue eyed American
306) Zachary Taylor being in office for more than 25 days
307) George Lucas founding Star Trek
308) A cheerleader dating a nerd
309) The crypt keeper having a full head of hair
310) The Japanese not producing electronics
311) R Kelly not peeing on an underage girl
312) Boulder capturing and convicting a pedophile
313) Ward Churchill not being fired
314) Colby Bryant not doing “it”
315) The KKK watching the Jefferson’s
316) Archie Bunker being meat head
317) A bulimic Jaba the hut
318) The red Barron flying for France
319) A Jamaican Hitler
320) Stalin saving lives
321) The KGB helping the soviet public
322) Russians being known for orange juice instead of vodka
323) The Jamaicans having a competitive space program
324) The nautilus running off pumpkin juice
325) Jim Carey in a serious roll
326) Vivaldi inventing rock and roll
327) Led Zeppelin writing “pink dog”
328) California not being on a fault line
329) The Scottish not wearing kilts
330) Vatican city in the UN
331) The pope moving to California
332) The Swiss guard coming form France
333) August 9th 1945 being a nice sunny day in Hiroshima
334) Jack Denials being a brand of soda pop
335) The Scottish producing jeans
336) Plaid being stylish
337) Mango flavored sprite
338) Michael J Fox and Christopher Lloyd going back to the future
339) Walmart selling anything but cheap plastic garbage
340) Walmart offering health benefits
341) Dogs not attacking mail men
342) Vanilla Ice being a slushy flavor
343) The lion getting a brain, the tin man getting courage and the scarecrow getting a heart
344) John Deacon coming out of solitude
345) Spock having non pointed ears
346) James Earl Jones doing the voice of Mickey Mouse
347) The Christian church not supporting illegal immigration
348) Roman Catholic priests not having “private chats” with young boys
349) Pamela Anderson not being “made” in America
350) Neptune being god of the dead and Hades being god of the sea
351) Mel Gibson not making anti-Semitic comments
352) Hitting a baseball to the moon
353) Paul Newman not making salad dressing
354) Neil Armstrong being first man on mars
355) Neil Armstrong leaving a butt print on the moon instead of a foot print
356) The pawn being the most valuable piece in chess
357) Boris and Natasha successfully executing a scheme against Rocky and Bowinkle
358) Switzerland taking a side
359) Alfred Hitchcock smiling
360) Barry Bonds not using steroids
361) Quinton Tarintino making a semi normal film
362) Willie E Coyote catching the road runner
363) Tim Being able to do math
364) Gondwanaland staying linked to Larasia
365) Orlando Bloom not being the most desired man by teenage girls
366) Dueling banjos played on the accordion
367) Sally Struthers weighing less than 290 lbs
368) Zero fatalities during the Salem witch trials
369) The brown water navy sailing the Blue Danube
370) The sky appearing a dark violet
371) The pink panther being vibrant yellow
372) A great wall of Mongolia to keep out the Chinese
373) Finding a needle in a haystack
374) Steve Erwin running a pet shop of domesticated puppies
375) Snape staying loyal to the order of the phoenix
376) Mel Gibson making a film called “The Passion of the Buddha”
377) A nine pointed star Alec Baldwin with out an attitude
378) Brian April being the lead guitarist for Queen
379) A good 80’s love song
380) An album called “The Lightside of the Moon”
381) Ice freezing at 32 degrees Celsius
382) Yoda being form planet kysekk
383) Jaba the Hut doing a high wire act
384) Stephen Kings Cujo being renamed “Cuddle-muffin”
385) The survival of the Dodo bird
386) France still owning northern Africa
387) Jacques Chirac and Vladimir Putin going to war
388) John Kerry having a plan
389) John Edwards staying in congress
390) New Orleans official theme song not being Led Zeppelin’s “When the Levy Breaks”
391) Growing palm trees in Alaska
392) An innocent Hillary Clinton
393) An intelligent Texan
394) Massachusetts voting in a Republican senator into congress
395) Texas voting in a Democratic senator to congress
396) Denver not being a sanctuary city
397) Tiger Woods playing for the Detroit Lions
398) The Cleveland Browns winning a super bowl
399) This list not passing 400…
400) Stephen Tyler resembling Fabio
401) Michael Jackson doing the “Europa Walk”
402) An underwater hot air balloon
403) A baboon with a single colored butt
404) Napoleon Dynamite having a purpose
405) A green stop sign
406) Paul Bunyan riding a unicorn
407) A fresh water whale
408) Bacons Rebellion being fought over eggs and bacon
409) A movie called “the First of the Mohicans”
410) The president working in an octagonal office
411) Square tires
412) A well tempered Alec Baldwin and Sean Penn
413) Cortez finding the 7 cities of gold
414) Lindsay Lohan showing up to work with out a hang over
415) Hillary Duff being able to sing
416) The hulk joining the Blue Man Group
417) A lush tropical forest in Kansas
418) Being in good hands with Allstate
419) John Locke preaching oppression
420) 1 lantern in Old North Church
421) Paul Revere riding through the colonies yelling “The French are coming!”
422) David Currso staying on NYPD Blue
423) The Republican national headquarters being in Las Vegas
424) A non tacky Las Vegas
425) Drive through marriage steeples in Salt Lake City
426) Oliver Parry yelling “Give up the Ship!” at the battle of lake Erie
427) Ireland with out a potato famine
428) Napoleon crushing Russian forces
429) God saying “let there be light!” and chuck Norris saying “say please”
430) Giving a Darwin Award to a genius
431) The loch ness monster being spotted by someone whose IQ is higher than 5
432) A smart football player
433) Michael Jackson not dangling a child over a ledge
434) Trailer parks not being tornado magnets
435) An influential Harvard graduate claiming to witness a UFO at the continuation ceremony
436) THIS LILST BEING ANYTHING SHORT OF CYNICALLY PESEMISTIC
437) “Indiana Jones and the Temple of Salvation”
438) Jessica Simpson being able to distinguish chicken from tuna
439) A one volume encyclopedia called “Tim”
440) Tim not being socially challenged
441) Tim having a life
442) Tim not being the author of this ridiculous list
443) Randy Rhodes being taller than a south African pigmy
444) Hudson bay being Russia’s top port
445) Taco Bell bring back the little Chihuahua as their mascot
446) The Burking 99 cent menu consisting of anything but mystery meat
447) A school cafeteria not selling food with a disturbingly green glowing ooze
448) “The Wall” being a happy album
449) Avril Levigne being an American
450) Avril Levigne selling top album
451) Ron Weasely being smart
452) Hermione Granger being stupid
453) Not finding irony in this list
454) Ben Stein having an expressive voice
455) Kofi Annan being a good UN president
456) Bush being able to say “nuclear”
457) Kerry not sounding like an idiot while talking about his purple hearts
458) Vietnam war veterans supporting Kerry
459) Kerry not looking like Lurch or Herman Munster
460) Bush not resembling a monkey in any way
461) Losing Nemo
462) Smee being Captain Ahab’s first mate
463) 0.00002 Leagues under the sea
464) Hillary Clinton fixing health care during the Clinton administration
465) Eli Whitney inventing the porta potty
466) The world being lucky enough to have Ted Kennedy spontaneously combust
467) Robert Langdon going “SPLAT!” in Angels and Demons
468) A non “feminine” Teletubbie
469) Tinkie Winkie liking girl teletubbies
470) Seeing Hannibal Lector at a steak house
471) This list being Gollum’s precious
472) Pok’e’mon being popular
473) “Sweet Home Alabama” not being the KFC chicken song
474) The KFC colonial being a real colonial
475) The Japanese flag being raised on Iwo Jima
476) The Axis powers winning WWII by a land slide
477) The polish defending against the Germans
478) The capital of Pooland being “Septic City”
479) Best Buy having a fair return policy
480) The United States going back to the gold standard
481) Galileo being honored in catholic church for his findings
482) Natural selection not being defined as “no life guard in the gene pool”
483) Pigs flying
484) Tim not being a total flag nerd
485) Rambo being French
486) “Hanging on in Quiet Desperation” not being the English way
487) Brazilians not loving soccer
488) Hollywood not being the laughing stalk of the entire world
489) Arnold Swartzeneger not being “the Govenator”
490) The B-29 being able to take off fully loaded
491) The Enola Gay passing on a bright and cheery gift to Hiroshima
492) Aussies not being “mates”
493) Grand Theft Auto preaching positive morals to Americas Youth
494) A Pink Floyd song titled “Shine on you Crazy Cubic Zirconium”
495) A day with out fusion being a day with sunshine
496) Old chemists not dying but only stop reacting
497) AC/DC coming back in white
498) Hera being Hercules best friend
499) Zeus not being a godly “player”
500) This list somehow miraculously ending at 500
501) This list not offending someone
502) The French executing a successful offensive
503) The French executing a successful defensive maneuver
504) Syd Barrett not going crazy
505) Stevie Ray Vaughn flying home in a Helicopter
506) Monday being everyone’s favorite day
507) Tim not having so much free time that he could create a list of what “Tim having a girlfriend is like…”
508) An album titled “Wish You Weren’t Here”
509) Meatloaf changing his name to “Cornbeef”
510) Crazy Train being sane
511) Michael Jackson not riding the Gravy Train
512) Ending world hunger
513) A girl giving Tim their phone number
514) 513 being Tim’s lucky number
515) Tim having a one in 514 chance of getting a girlfriend
516) A phrase “the cats of war”
517) Tom eating Jerry
518) Girls not eating ice cream when they are depressed
519) Unflawed social security
520) Americas Health plan being anything but “don’t get sick”
521) Tipper Gore not lobbing against “obscene” music
522) Massachusetts being full of anything but radicals throughout history
523) Not buying a vowel on Wheel of Fortune
524) Keeping a lion as a your fuzzy family cat
525) The bay of pigs incident ending with success
526) A four year old eating Lamb Chops for dinner
527) Kennedy being protestant
528) Puritans being impure
529) Rammstine writing a love song
530) A vampire yearning for chlorophyll
531) James Bond dying
532) A song called “false colors”
533) Dumbo the submersible elephant
534) Jared gaining weight on the subway diet
535) Finding Waldo
536) Hissing cockroaches on Broadway
537) Girls not absolutely loving chocolate
538) Sylvester catching Tweedy bird
539) Tweedy saying “I tink I say a doggy dog, I did, I did!”
540) Porky Pig saying “Wel-wel- welcome folks!”
541) King Arthur and the knights of the hexagonal table
542) A rock learning to sink
543) Ron Howard having hair
544) A blunder free Barney Fife
545) Barney the blood stained dinosaur
546) Napoleon being 6ft tall
547) The Huns making it over the Great wall of China
548) Marco Polo finding Atlantis
549) Atlas holding up an apple
550) A high-strung Jamaican
551) A green pedaled flower
552) Johnny Carson going on one last stand up tour
553) Jay Leno staying on the Tonight show
554) Larry King not wearing suspenders
555) The French winning the international checkers tournament
556) The word “apocalypi” being useful
557) Sir Leigh Teabeing not needing crutches
558) Molly Brown sinking
559) The 70’s being stylish
560) Bugs Bunny dying at the hands of Elmer Fudd
561) The Ivory coast being made of Ivory
562) Paris Hilton being brilliant
563) Buzz Lightyear being a real space ranger
564) Tim not writing crappy poetry that questions his masculinity
565) The Balrock passing by Gandalf
566) Sauron retrieving the ring of power
567) Cigarettes being healthy
568) Rubber being rigid
569) Firestone tires saving lives
570) Honest Abe lying
571) Harvard accepting Jessica Simpson
572) The Burger King guy not having that creepy smile
573) Using napalm as body lotion
574) Llama spelt with one “l”
575) Eisenhower being a pro-communist democrat
576) A monkey operating a jet pack
577) The zoo keepers catching Rosie O’ Donald
578) Not finding cops in doughnut shops
579) Gary Powers landing on American Soil
580) A talking moose
581) Hell hathing greater fury than that of a woman’s scorn
582) The plot un-thickening
583) Looking up and seeing a dragon flying past you
584) The great Gazoo popping out of Jessica Simpson’s empty head
585) Bryan Adams having talent
586) The Baton Death March being an awesome party
587) Homer Simpson finding a brain
588) Stewy using his inordinately large brain to better humanity
589) The river Styx freezing over
590) Reversing time
591) Seeing dead people
592) Bald white men not looking like a thumb
593) A computer company called “pineapple”
594) Texas removing the “express lane” on death row
595) Texas illegalizing the death penalty
596) Wales living in oceans
597) Torturous being a beautiful field of spring flowers
598) Mexican Jumping beans coming from Bhutan
599) Moscow being a fungus
600) Alfalfa having strait hair
601) Tim randomly finding a life after he completes number 600 thus ending the conception of this list…
602) Helium making your voice go deep
603) A woman falling in love with a eunuch
604) Rob Snider yelling “you can’t do it!”
605) Billy Madison being calm
606) ET texting home
607) The world being lucky enough to have a very high voltage lightning bolt “randomly” strike Ted Kennedy
608) The Democratic symbol being an elephant
609) Ralph Nader winning the presidential election
610) Charlie’s Angels being about three overly feminine men in disturbingly tight tights
611) The Vikings sailing the ocean blue in 1492
612) David Gilmour being “uncomfortable numb”
613) Tim getting married and having a family
614) The inexistence of Phi
615) Al Gore actually winning the 2000 presidential election
616) Paris Hilton becoming a nuclear physicist
617) A generous and charitable Narcissus
618) Frank Miller crating Bratz
619) Fashion furthering the artistic mind
620) Napoleon wearing a bandana in da hood yo!
621) Meatloaf playing a concert at Boston Market
622) The Colorado Rockies winning the world series
623) An efficient Gravity propelled plane
624) Skynyrd dying in a freak ship wreck
625) John Denver coming from Philadelphia
626) A final performance form Bonzo
627) Paris Hilton’s judge being merciful
628) Britney Spears being a world class parent
629) The onion being a respectable news source
630) Fortune cookies coming true
631) Cliff Burton Making it through an encore Swedish tour
632) Jack and Jill being ill, to no adventure still
633) The diamond business being a clean
634) The Italian mafia on east coast; Tupac on west
635) The democrats in congress achieving anything
636) The union of the soviet socialist Jefferson county republic school system
637) Chick Norris Jokes
638) An effective pick up line
639) Smokin’ Hot women being wooed by extensive periodic table knowledge (trust me tried, doest work)
640) Halloween not yielding a massive massive sugar high
641) This list being the list to end all lists
642) Black Sabbath keeping Ozzy
643) Dave Mustane having an inkling of talent
644) John Steinbeck not being long winded
645) Optimus Prime leading the decepticons
646) Axl Rose sounding like André Bochelli
647) Bach being an incompetent Frenchman who writes crappy accordion music
648) Hunting with Chaney and coming back and not looking like a cheese grater
649) The socialist party winning in the latest French election
650) A fire alarm that blares “farther up and further in”

Tim’s Dictionary for the Technologically Handicapped/Technologically Illiterate

AIM (verb) – Great Suggestion
 
Al Gore (person/noun) - a man that had no friends who released the internet to the public. Thanks Al.
 
Anger Management (noun) – the fallout of exposure to technology
 
Antagonize (verb) – the last thing your computer will EVER do (see C4, Napalm, Nitroglycerin, Nuke, Vacuum)
 
AOL (adj.) – a nice way to say A-O_ H-E double hockey sticks
 
Binary (noun) – the system of which divides people into the two factions of pro computer and computer abolitionists
 
Bill Gates (noun/person) – Man who really, really needs a life
 
C4 (noun) – economic way to solve computer problems
 
Caps Lock (verb) – The ritual of locking on to pop a cap in a computers floppy drive
 
Cell Phone (noun) – 1) miniature haphazard, 2) Teen girl’s instrument of doom
 
Chat room (noun) – place to gain your very own stalkers
 
Computer game (noun) - something that results in no fun cause its more trouble than its worth.
 
Dial-Up (noun) – The bane of all existence, slow in nature, is like a time leech, slowly sucking the hours away, one by one.
 
Disk Drive (noun) - something you wish you could throw a very, very sharp disk through.
 
ENIAC (noun) – Dawning of the apocalypse
 
Firewall (adj.) – perfect description for a monitor doused in gasoline
 
Floppy Drive (noun) - Obsolete
 
Frustration (adj.) – feeling associated with prolonged exposure to technology.
 
Geek (slang/noun) – Lover of technology.
 
Hard Drive (noun) - Something that is unfortunately too hard to drive a metal stake through.
 
High Speed (noun) – Brings fourth anxiety, anger and restraining orders at an accelerated speed.
 
Idiot box (noun/adj.) – See Monitor
 
IM (noun) – Instant Mayhem
 
“Infernal Confounded Contraption” (phrase) – Phrase often used when dealing with computers
 
Lava soft (adj.) – Description of computer and parts after passing under a flow of spewing lava
 
Map Quest (noun) – a place to receive faulty directions, spouse is equally useful and less of a hassle
 
Monitor (noun) – Metaphor for “the idiot box”.
 
My Space (noun) – not only biased to her space, his space and  the ever popular they space, also haphazard to humanity
 
Napalm (noun) - wonderful way to solve computer problems
 
Nitroglycerin (noun) - Another wonderful way to solve computer problems.
 
Norton Antivirus (noun) – Compound word—Rip-off
 
Nuke (noun) - an alternative to both napalm and nitroglycerin when neither is handy.
 
Num Lock (verb) – the feeling of your muscles locking numbly.
 
Palm Pilot (noun) – Miniature menace
 
PC (noun) - Personal catastrophe
 
POS (Adj.) – Perfect acronym for technology
 
PSP (noun) – THE one great technological innovation
 
Red (adj.) – color of your desk after punching the monitor
 
Shallow Grave (noun) – Place where technology can be found
 
Spell check (noun) - the one good thing about the computer
 
Tantalize (verb) – action of computer when appears as though it may work but error message appears.
 
Technology (noun) – inanimate version of Benedict Arnold
 
Therapist (noun) - necessity when dealing with technology.
 
“To the Depths with ye!” (phrase) – Another common phrase often associated with technology
 
USB (noun) – Unsurpassed Super (we’ll leave the last word to your imagination)
 
Vacuum (verb)-what is created when the monitor is shot by a shot gun at close range.
 
Virtual Library (noun) – place for those to lazy to go to an actual library
 
Virus (noun) - intensifies all slow, faulty and nonfunctioning effect.
 
Warcraft (noun) – Place for those with no lives to congregate.
 
(The) Web (noun) - A thing weaved solely for the purpose of trapping unsuspecting victims, draining their time and money only to go no where
 
Windows XP (noun) - Crap
 
Windows 98 (noun) - Crappier
 
Windows 95 (noun) - Crappiest 
 
Windows Vista (noun)- The god damned noose

 Tim’s List of Words that Can be Spelt on the Periodic Table of the Elements Using Atomic Symbols

The Man List

1)      Man Pizza- Must be garnished with; Salami, pepperoni, sausage, meatball, copicola, hot sauce, flamin’ hot cheetos, habanero peppers, ham, bacon, Canadian bacon and chorizo. Are you man enough?
2)      Man Salad- Either a Quadruple beef patty each three inches thick soaked in fat three types of cheeses, a minimum of 14 strips of bacon, 12 varieties of BBQ sauce in which half must be o a spicy origin and a singular piece of crisp lettuce or a literal salad with all the garnishments of man pizza.
3)          Man Metamucil- Saw dust from a mans own workshop produced by his own blood sweat and tears.
4)      Man Butterfly- Iron Butterfly featuring “In a godda da vida” with a six minute tribute to pounding crap
5)      Man Barrette- super glue
6)      Man Pregnancy- Daddy sea horses
7)      Man Frolic- To skip through a barren wasteland battlefield of debris with a really really really big gun fitted with a grenade launcher and bayonet and a huge belt of grenade sized ammo.
8)      Man Diary- A written record of the names dates and times a man has fornicated with various women; generally found in workplace bathroom stall.
9)      Man Soliloquy- “I could tap that”
10)  Man Cowboy- Lets face it; if he has a gun strapped to his belt you’re not going to ask if he’s gay. He’s a man cowboy.
11)  Man Spandex- Tightly fitting leathers
12)  Man Ponytail- Used by Jet Li, Jean Claude Van Dame, Steven Segal and Chuck Norris as a third fist of fury
13)  Man emotion- Mace to the eyes
14)  Man Maxi- For when diarrhea comes a flowin’!
15)  Man Tampon- For when a man maxi just isn’t enough!
16)  Man Slumber Party- A man and two or three random women he got drunk the night before waking up in the same bed completely naked.
17)  Man Entertainment- HBO + a Bottle of Premium lube + No date Friday night
18)  Man Depth- Diver dies as he dives into 2ft of water and crushes head
19)  Man Math- Subtract the clothes, divide the legs, add a muscle and multiply!
20)  Man Dreams- An alcove of endless women
21)  Man Dance- A drunken stagger
22)  Man France- Germany
23)  Man Vagina- French women, its like having a man beard of steel wool down below anyway
24)  Man Hippy- Though overall it may be difficult to distinguish man hippies from hippies in general, you can tell once they demonstrate nude
25)  Man Girly Man- Arnold Swartzeneger
26)  Man Jump- A Jump Made off a bridge/cliff to impress a woman companion (not a mother)
27)  Man Prance- How the French military “marches”
28)  Man Lactate- You don’t want to know, no really you don’t. If you’re cringing by now or have a disgusted look on your face, you’ve got it.
29)  Man Buffet- An endless buffet of meat, meat and fried foods served by scantly dressed women in “too tight” bikinis while watching sports on a gigantic TV.
30)  Man Experiment- If there is a possibility of losing eyebrows appendages or life in a flash of glory, explosion or eruption, it qualifies as a ‘man experiment’, and we like to blow shit up.
31)  Man Cleavage-  One word; Plumber
32)  Man Cooking- If it involves propane or charcoal, overly cooked gristle and charred crispy meat, its man cooking.
33)  Man Boobs- A natural wonder of perfect sculpting and ripped out girl attractor, most notably Jean Claude Van Dame.
34)  Man Pen- The man pen is used to write on women’s tablets with the ink of life, that’s right you know what I am talking about.
35)  Man Music- if it involves electric guitars, loud amps and women in the audience would flash at a concert, it’s man music.
36)  Man Coffin- An expandable hefty bag with a twist tie.
37)  Man Greeting- is there a big loaded gun in your face? Yes? You’ve just been man greeted.
38)  Man Mafia- Are you joking? Do you want to die?!?! Don’t question it, they don’t dick around. No really they don’t.
39)  Man Gnome- Any Gnome except for the one form Travelocity commercials
40)  Man Smooth- To some this concept my impossible to comprehend, but around 40 you’ll start to understand. Trust me.
41)  Man Cute- If you are to call a man “cute”, “pretty”, “adorable” or “cuddly”, please, please, please save us the indignity and slap “man” in front of it.
42)  Man Movie-(a) if it has fast cars, nude women (multiple is preferable), and crap blows up in communist countries it’s a movie. Especially if all three are going on at once, we have a special term for that; “fung suai” (b) if it has a nearly naked chick on the front, do you really have to ask?
43)  Man Laundry- When a man pours his beer stained clothes into a washer with liberal amounts of bleach, its man laundry.
44)  Man Pet- a Rottweiler, German Sheppard, Doberman, alligator, anaconda or poisonous spider that is named either “killer” or “butch”, there are no “tinker bell”, “Mr. Snookums” or “Poopsy” man pets.
45)  Man Thong- Why do you think George of the Jungle howled as he swung form vine to vine? If it ain’t legal in Georgia don’t do it!
46)  Man Bitch- After a man is “denied” for a month solid, ya he’s gonna have a cycle and be kind of bitchy.
47)  Man Doily- I dare you to tell Spiderman there is no such thing as a man doily.
48)  Man List- If it talks about nude women, fornication, tools, sports, cars, explosions, food, nude women and fornication, it’s a man list. And yes ladies, we are that shallow.
49)  Man Tattoo- Must say “I <3 Mom”
50)  Man Skirt- Kilt
51)  Man Diet- Beans, Bacon, whisky, lard, beer, man pizzas, man salads, deep fried foods and steroids
52)  Man Vegetable- add moisture, heat and a little love and it grows.
53)  Man Pelt- Legs of carpet resembling steel wool and/or the wild foliage of jungles of Costa Rica.
54)   Man stable- When something is stapled randomly and adjacently to ensure maximum bondage.
55)  Man Cult- To be followed by endless bands of naked women.
56)  Man Organized- if there are color codes, folders, files, perfectly aligned and divided piles, its not man organized
57)  Man panties- Women aren’t the only ones with edible underpants, instead of a variety of fruit flavors, we have BBQ brisquette, chicken fried chicken with mashed potatoes cream gravy and peas, spicy buffalo wings, man pizza, man salad and 14 oz. T-bone steak flavored. Despite their failing popularity, I am sure they exist somewhere
58)  Man clock- if instead of numbers it has pairs of breasts, it is most definitely a man clock
59)  Man Binder- there are no doodles, colors, pictures of friends, pets or ‘hot men’ on a man binder; just Pam Anderson or Carmen Elektra in a barely hinged untied bikini
60)  Man Soy Protein- if you must bite the tip off the plant and suck out your own soy protein in the rabid jungles of the fareast, its man soy protein damnit!
61)  Man Fluff- found in punching bags
62)  Man puffy- the feeling of his face after going three rounds with a guy who stole his spot in line, girlfriend/wife, parking spot or seat.
63)  Man Poodle- His name is killer, he’s a yappy son of a bitch and lunges strait for the neck.
64)  Man paper- Toilet paper to aid us in our age old ceremonial institution
65)  Man Institution- requires excess amounts of man paper
66)  Man efficiency- If you can smack something with a huge monkey wrench and have it magically start to work, damn strait its man efficient
67)  Man Frilly- When you’re drunk and stumbling, attempting to use a wood chipper to destroy your soon to be ex-wife’s beloved 18th century coffee table and accidently stumble into it the remainder of your torso is qualifiedly man frilly.
68)  Man Accessory- Machete; it hooks to your belt and is idea to navigate jungle thickets for man soy protein as well as man dueling to the death, just remember never bring a machete to a gun fight.

Finally! The Man Code!!!

It Is Written here and now, and to be followed by all men fore those who shalt defy thy man code shall suffer the indignation of French-ification. Three offenses constitute deportation to France, land of the de-maculated men. Thou shalt follow all rules of thy man code as listed below:

Man Codes:

1) Thou shalt decree that Tim is exempt from the man code for a variety of reasons including but not limited to; 1) he has never admitted to being a man, 2) it is debatable if Tim is really a man or not, 3) fore I am its creator and it took a woman’s touch to write the man code
2) Thou shalt never betray thy man code and if thy soul be tainted in the most bastardous of ways, thou shalt remove it in the mot manly way possible (Castration aka Self French-ification)
3) Thou shalt never record thy man code anywhere for any reason
4) Thou shalt pass thy man code to thy man child through thy man genes
5) Thou shalt always have all parts of thy man code memorized and ready at any given time *(Unless Intoxicated)
6) Thou shalt never willingly go through a sex change voluntarily; castration by ex-girlfriends and wives is semi-acceptable, helium however will blamed as the culprit
7) Thou Shalt not call in sick for a fever, measles, mumps, rubella, vomiting or cancer
8) Thou Shalt call in sick for bowling, skiing, football, baseball, hockey, hiking or golf
9) Thou shalt never share thy man clothing willingly with thy man friends
10) Thou shalt procrastinate for things that are more fun
11) Thou shalt exclaim “AMEN” for approved additions to thy man code
12) Thou shalt never approve additions by exclaiming “Amen Brotha”
13) Thou shalt leave the toilet seat up for easy access
14) Thou shalt never dramatize a situation with the words like, totally, forever and the phrase ‘you’re running my life!’
15) Thou shalt never piss on an electric fence
16) Thou shalt never piss on thy own shoe
17) Thou shalt never piss on thy family’s grave
18) Thou shalt find it fit to drink hard liquor anytime except when on thy sacred pot
19) Thou shalt decree that if thy friend is broke, thou shalt except beer as legal tender
20) Thou shalt decree that bros be put before hoes except in the case of food
21) Thou shalt not go to therapy, least of all with thy spouse
22) Thou shalt not sleep with thy friend sister, wife or girlfriend *(Unless he did it to you first at which, makes it fair game)
23) Thou shalt not drive a minivan, station wagon, geo metro or any truck that is not diesel
24) Thou shalt always be armed
25) Thou shalt not weep in the exception of man emotion
26) Thou shalt do whatever is deemed necessary in order to gain thy lady of interest
27) Thou shalt not take no for an answer
28) Thou shalt assume no means yes and yes means no in all critical situation with women
29) Thou shalt graciously tip strippers
30) Thou shalt categorize a beer bottle as a fashion accessory
31) Thou shalt not accessorize *(exception; beer bottles)
32) Thou shalt not shoot thyself in thy foot
33) Thou shalt not prance or folic
34) Thou shalt not listen to pop
35) Thou shalt attack breadsticks like heathens
36) Thou shalt not use adhesive for thy hair
37) Thou shalt own at least three rolls of duct tape
38) Thou shalt decree thy first aid kit shall compose of aspirin and superglue
39) Thou shalt mooch whenever possible
40) Thou shalt watch for low hanging obstacles while love making
41) Thou shalt not forget they anniversary of thy bartender
42) Thou shalt not forget thy anniversary of thy enslavement to the Amazonian
43) Thou shalt never hit below the belt
44) Thou shalt not pitch underhand
45) Thou shalt not eat another mans food
46) Thou shalt not drink another mans beer
47) Thou shalt not schedule anything during happy hour
48) Thou shalt decree thy truck shall consume diesel
49) Thou shalt not squeal least of like a little girl
50) Thou shalt not wear a thong
51) Thou shalt use liberal amounts of salt on EVERYTHING
52) Thou shalt not kick thy neighbors dog
53) Thou shalt never use the word giddy
54) Thou shalt decree pants are optional especially during TV time
55) Thou shalt not die a virgin
56) Thou shalt obey thy law of vacant urinals
57) Thou shalt not question the godliness of Jimi Hendrix
58) Thou shalt not have pretty handwriting
59) Thou shalt not leave to pee in herds
60) Thou shalt consume three animals per week one of which was hunted and killed with your own two hands
61) Thou shalt use a bush in place of thy scared pot when in wilderness, when in a pinch, a side of a building is acceptable as long as you spell your name or “mom” with a heart
62) Thou shalt never seek fashion advice from a man or least of all from thy spouse
63) Thou shalt never hide like a Frenchman in times of imminent peril
64) Thou shalt never desert thy friends like a Frenchmen on D-day
65) Thou shalt memorize the lyrics to live and let die
66) Thou shalt comply with thy manly urges to scratch thy butt
67) Thou shalt pass thy man code to thy man child through thy man genes
68) Thou shalt invest thy man companionship in a Rottweiler, Doberman or German Sheppard
69) Thou shalt order pizza when thou burns thy meal on thy barbeque while under the influence of beer
70) Thou shalt never deny the divinity or kick-ass-ness of Chuck Norris
71) Thou shalt denounce the manliness of Michael Bolton, Michael Jackson and Jean Claude Van Dame
72) Thou shalt never challenge Jimmy page to a solo-off, fore sudden death is imminent
73) Thou shalt hold thy man boobs in thy highest regard
74) Thou shalt sculpt thy man boobs with excellent precision until age 30
75) Thou shalt grow out thy ZZ Top beard and grow thy beer belly after 30
76) Thou shalt seek refuge in an outhouse, garage, local pub or nudy bar from thy spouse at that time of the month
77) Thou shalt collect every issue of assorted man magazines
78) Thou shalt decree that no less than 20 minutes will be set aside for thy sacred pot
79) Thou Shalt have the sports section handy at all times, especially when with thy sacred pot
80) Thou shalt never sleep with/ fall in love with a woman out to/ hired to kill you
81) Thou shalt have an expensive collection of large caliber weapons, one of which is always handy
82) Thou shalt never sing like a canary when tortured or squeal like a pig in the night at a slaughter house
83) Thou shalt raise defiance to seeing chick flicks
84) Thou shalt attempt to fornicate with women during halftime
85) Thou shalt Never raise a flower garden
86) Thou shalt decree that underwear shall be optional at all non public occasions
87) Thou shalt have thy stash of man magazines atop thy sacred pot’s commode
88) Thou shalt never voluntarily dance with thy spouse/significant other unless ‘fee bird’, ‘sharp dressed man’ or ‘You shook me all night long’ is blaring
89) Thou shalt only bend to thy power of thy spouse/significant other when bed rights are in danger of being revoked
90) Thou shalt observe thy urinal etiquette and evenly space one man every other urinal
91) Thou shalt wear a cup during anytimes of peril
92) Thou shalt decree that a man may only come in close contact with other men’s man parts in tight spaces when entirely unavoidable, at which case stick to cheek is not permitted under any circumstance
93) Thou shalt never voluntarily under go a diet plan
94) Thou shalt never be detoured by shinny objects
95) Thou shalt never consume slim fast
96) Thou shalt never hit a girl, least of all with glasses
97) Thou shalt always tie up loose end. Period.
98) Thou shalt never buy a George foreman grill
99) Thou shalt never bring thy man car to a mechanic, thou shalt fix it thyself
100) Thou shalt always stop to help an attractive woman with car problems on the side of the road, even if your mother is dying
101) Thou shalt never have a slumber party
102) Thou shalt protect thy chivalry of thy woman in periodic drunken brawls
103) Thou shalt not cook when a woman is present
104) Thou shalt always answer ‘no’ to the question “does this make my butt look big?”
105) Thou shalt fart when thy pleases thyself
106) Thou shalt never shop efficiently
107) Thou shalt always purchase the biggest TV
108) Thou shalt Man shop, go for what you w ant and leave, no perusing
109) Thou shalt not use a credit card except when in necessity of beer or transport to the source of aforementioned beer
110) Thou shalt never wear a fairy shit
111) Thou shalt never cross dress
112) Thou shalt never organize like a woman with colored tabs and precisions
113) Thou shalt never use highlighters when dealing with notes
114) Thou shalt blow up shit every fourth of July
115) Thou shalt seek excuses to play with napalm
116) Thou shalt decree that all table manners are suspended when dealing with Rib and buffalo wings
117) Thou shalt refer to a 17 in machete as pocket knife
118) Thou shalt take the oath to despise Hilary Clinton
119) Thou shalt refute the teachings of Dr Laura and Dr. Phil
120) Thou shalt wear gloves and goggles when working with a wood chipper drunk
121) Thou shalt never carry a French army knife (A knife with a white flag and cork screw)
122) Thou shalt never foo foo drinks (daiquiris, martinis, ect.)
123) Thou shalt only eat fried or barbequed meat
124) Thou shalt choose dark meat if given a choice
125) Thou shalt detest rocky mountain oysters unless you are trying to show your manliness to your girlfriend at which case beer is mandatory
126) Thou shalt never tinker only experiment
127) Thou shalt camp, hunt or fish at any opportunity presented
128) Thou shalt always play lead, bass or drums when playing Rockband
129) Thou shalt fix, maintain and build thy own car
130) Thou shalt never piss thy pants especially like a Frenchie
131) Thou shalt not fornicate at inappropriate times
132) Thou shalt never wear a skirt *(Kilts are ok if there is no frilliness and has huge pockets in undesirable areas)
133) Thou shalt decree that the sale purchasing and wearing of Speedos be abolished
134) Thou shalt decree that shaving thy body hair is weird and unnatural
135) Thou shalt never wear anything frilly especially lace
136) Thou shalt never wear pink boxer or white boxers with pink hearts
137) Thou shalt raft on white water rapids
138) Thou shalt never pout
139) Thou shalt always labor under the delusion that man is in charge
140) Thou shalt never seek and or use directions
141) Thou shalt decree pancakes are to be made in math class regularly
142) Thou shalt never use the word darn, if you’re gonna say it say damn
143) Thou shalt decree all fashion statements are acceptable if they have beer pockets
144) Thou shalt avoid fiber at all costs
145) Thou shalt decree that waffles are better then pancakes, they hold unhealthy fillings better
146) Thou shalt decree that all day time television is off limits especially soap operas
147) Thou shalt never have a gaudy head stone consisting of majestic angels
148) Thou shalt scorn ukuleles
149) Thou shalt never rely on diagrams to put things together
150) Thou shalt never stop at gas stations for maps or directions
151) Thou shalt not sort laundry, ever
152) Thou shalt not use pretty smelling detergents that make you smell like a walking fruit cake
153) Thou shalt attempt to charm women with thy ripping flexed biceps
154) Thou shalt turn thy back on easy listening smooth jazz and Kenny G.
155) Thou shalt never pick a wedding cake but merely nod and agree
156) Thou shalt never miss a game of thy favorite sports team
157) Thou shalt never be ashamed for showing thy hairy ass crack
158) Thou shalt be handy with all home repairs
159) Thou shalt avoid the law of cosines
160) Thou shalt except the will of gravity, fore there is no other option
161) Thou shalt never be caught singing “I got you babe”, “Pretty Woman” least of all “I feel pretty”
162) Thou shalt never pass the opportunity to show thy weenie to the opposite sex
163) Thou shalt never make love in a blizzard, for fear of ice sickles forming in bad places
164) Thou shalt play video games as much as possible, procrastination with video games is highly encouraged
165) Thou shalt howl at a woman’s moon
166) Thou shalt keep thy hair relatively short at all times
167) Thou shalt stand above 4.5 ft even if stilts are necessary
168) Thou shalt always own a Harley, not a Yamaha or another Harley wanna be knock off
169) Thou shalt wear leather at all times to keep thy badass image
170) Thou shalt avoid Elton John-esque sun glasses
171) Thou shalt observe all items on the man list at all times
172) Thou shalt wear no jewelry buy thy wedding band unless you are Keith Richards
173) Thou shalt decree that all bling be banned
174) Thou shalt never worship Iron Maiden so much that thou “Runs to the Hills”
175) Thou shalt never bounce like a Pepe le phew *(odor is optional)
176) Thou shalt never write cook books, only books on military weapons and strategy *(military cook books are acceptable, however not without a dirty look from fellow men)
177) Thou shalt never sing along or dance along to the village people
178) Thou shalt have thy remote handy at all times
179) Thou shalt spear hunt when other weapons are unavailable
180) Thou shalt be redneck if thou chooses
181) Thou shalt reserve the right to sit on thy porch all day with thy shotgun and scream, “Get off-a my property!
182) Thou shalt cut thy turkey on Thanksgiving with a chainsaw
183) Thou shalt enjoy all opportunities to stare at bra straps or any exposed under garments
184) Thou shalt never refer to thyself as gourmet
185) Thou shalt never eat excessive amounts of ice cream and watch chick flicks after a bad break up
186) Thou shalt never buy furniture, thou shalt build it thyself
187) Thou shalt never braid thy hair *(Dreadlocks count as a clear violation of both long hair and braided hair)
188) Thou shalt never steal candy form children on Halloween
189) Thou shalt count t-p-ing and affair form of retribution
190) Thou shalt be a Hooligan in thy youth
191) Thou shalt become a cold nasty sarcastic old man in thy elderly years
192) Thou shalt love thy spouse dearly but make fun of her behind her back
193) Thou shalt marry for love not money *(unless thou loves money)
194) Thou shalt settle all construction/building disputes with drunken brawls
195) Thou shalt reserve the right to be antisocial
196) Thou shalt reserve the right to play with chainsaws at every possible occasion
197) Thou shalt not exclaim. “Oh! Bunny!”
198) Thou shalt use protection at all conceivable occasions
199) Thou shalt take full advantage of the make my day law
200) Thou shalt use Plexiglas on all windows
201) Thou shalt photocopy thy ass checks
202) Thou shalt not be ashamed by a bald shinny head
203) Thou shalt never wear an apron
204) Thou shalt never drink juices of a fruity origin
205) Thou shalt never make sex noises in thy cubicle
206) Thou shalt never cheat on thy spouse/girlfriend no matter how miserable it is
207) Thou shalt never make origami unless perusing a female
208) Thou shalt only get tattoos of I <3 Mom or scantily dressed exotic women
209) Thou shalt never pierce anything
210) Thou shalt reject and ignore the 80’s and all 80’s institutions
211) Thou shalt be a pure iconoclast
212) Thou shalt never dress like a confused Scotsman
213) Thou shalt never wear pastels
214) Thou shalt never idolize Rosie O’Donnell
215) Thou shalt never wear anything leopard skinned
216) Thou shalt decree all spandex of any kind be permanently banned
217) Thou shalt consume fried Twinkies for dessert
218) Thou shalt bend speed limit laws when thou desires so
219) Thou shalt decree Oprah, Dr. Phil and Ellen be banned
220) Thou shalt scorn Volkswagens and old granny station wagons
221) Thou shalt decree correct speeling is fully optional
222) Thou shalt never become a cowboy, ever, for any reason, PERIOD
223) Thou shalt decree that rainbow colored backpacks be banned
224) Thou shalt decree all desperate men shall have imaginary blowup doll friends
225) Thou shalt never suffer the indignity of a blind date set up by your friend
226) Thou shalt decree squirrels are of evil nature and deserve to be hunted
227) Thou shalt never do drugs, east of all snorting coke form a toilet seat
228) Thou shalt accept Angus Young as a Fashion Director
229) Thou shalt not exclaim “Eureka!” at any monumental revelation/discovery
230) Thou shalt decree all rough wood will be sanded and shellacked
231) Thou shalt bash things with other objects for amusement
232) Thou shalt decree that all Canadian beer sucks
233) Thou shalt decree that forks of are option use to hands
234) Thou shalt only use knives for skinning dead things, for all other purposes teeth shall be used
235) Thou shalt decree that thy head shall never leave the gutter
236) Thou shalt never voluntarily seek a therapist
237) Thou shalt bow before the fury of Pete Townsends power cord
238) Thou shalt make it thy life’s goal to make a therapist cry
239) Thou shalt sacrifice gas mileage for speed
240) Thou shalt eat low calorie meals in multiples
241) Thou shalt suggest strip poker when in search of fun activities with women
242) Thou shalt cheat at strip poker when playing with women
243) Thou shalt never admit to a chocolate craving
244) Thou shalt prefer dark gravy to light
245) Thou shalt use the most destructive tool possible
246) Thou shalt decree chewing is hence fourth optional
247) Thou shalt seek out the fastest roller coaster to known to man
248) Thou shalt have no ties to Michael Jackson
249) Thou shalt always use thy old boxers as painting rags
250) Thou shalt only eat man pizzas or man salads at restaurants
251) Thou shalt never carry a man purse
252) Thou shalt never clean thy bathroom
253) Thou shalt consider freeze dried foods, and can food dinners when he fridge is empty
254) Thou shalt have contact with thy girlfriend at all times
255) Thou shalt shoot illegal fireworks at any time possible
256) Thou shalt seek empirical physics lessons
257) Thou shalt never refer to another mans hairy balls
258) Thou shalt use acid as a universal cleaning solvent
259) Thou shalt never use gentle cycle when doing laundry
260) Thou shalt consider Ironing the gravitational affect of the laundry
261) Thou shalt never marry a fetus
262) Thou shalt never marry for sex and expect them to be smart
263) Thou shalt never join prisms
264) Thou shalt not gain thy news from entertainment tonight
265) Thou shalt decree taking it like a man refers tot torture
266) Thou shalt constantly attempt to cover up and hide thy inability and stupidity
267) Thou shalt not eat anything dubbed “mini” *(Unless eating in the quantity of 100 or more)
268) Thou shalt never arrive early for anything, either promptly or fashionably late
269) Thou shalt never rub another mans shoulder and call him a “sexy beast” in his ear
270) Thou shalt never carry a brush, combs are semi-acceptable
271) Thou shalt never be a communist or fascist, this is ‘merica damnit!
272) Thou shalt decree all homework henceforth shall be optional
273) Thou shalt never voluntarily take a French class
274) Thou shalt scorn the bean trees
275) Thou shalt never cry at the end of any movie for any reason.
276) Thou shalt always manipulate any and all space in anyway possible
277) Thou shalt decree that women shall review the man code and correct speeling and grammars
278) Thou shalt decree that no man shall order any other salad than a man salad
279) Thou shalt never enjoy classic literature
280) Thou shalt smash or burn thy guitar on stage when playing for an audience
281) Thou shalt never look above a woman’s neck unless forced
282) Thou shalt hide thy man magazines from thy spouse in a box labeled “camping”
283) Thou shalt decree that when out of beer thou shalt not turn to antifreeze
284) Thou shalt have nothing pink in thy bathroom
285) Thou shalt rummage any time necessary
286) Thou shalt value thy car over thou spouse, fore they are more expensive and less shinny
287) Thou shalt never collect Precious moments
288) Thou shalt never refer to Confucius when trying to woo thy woman
289) Thou shalt never want to be eaten by maggots, thou shalt prefer birds
290) Thou shalt mix thy peas with mashed potatoes and dark gravy
291) Though shalt never use the word “gay” to refer to happiness
292) Thou shalt carry on when shot, stabbed, penetrated by shrapnel or decked by your girlfriends husband/other boyfriend
293) Thou shalt never play with Barbie’s (unless Harley lover ken/ or Ken Hefner complete with red robe is available) , Polly pockets or my little ponies
294) Thou shalt never carry a telitubbies fan club ID card
295) Thou shalt memorize and hum “(I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction”
296) Thou shalt be proud of and valiantly defend thy man stubble
297) Thou shalt detest hippies
298) Thou shalt protect thy girlfriend/wife/ and daughter from the plights of other men
299) Thou shalt scorn reality TV
300) Thou halt always have spare batteries for the remote
301) Thou shalt fantasize about thy significant other when bored
302) Thou shalt never pass gas in an elevator unless alone or with thy man friends (extra points awarded if the elevator shaft echoes)
303) Thou shalt recycle bullet casings
304) Thou shalt be prepared for nearly everything like a good man scout
305) Thou shalt tip thy pizza delivery boy generously unless financial situation dictates otherwise
306) Thou shalt over up thy shitty hair do at any allowable time with a hat
307) Thou shalt not believe its not butter because our spouses tell us so
308) Thou shalt adore thy fedora as though it were flesh and blood
309) Thou shalt take notes on the godfather and sit with back towards the wall when in public places
310) Thou shalt never willing admit to listening to Sarah McLachlan with thy spouse
311) Thou shalt decree—if it bounces; bounce it
312) Thou shalt decree that mufflers are hence fourth optional
313) Thou shalt decree, thou shalt make thy hemi growl like thunder
314) Thou shalt golf in a thunderstorm if thou finds it pertinent
315) Thou shalt brave a tornado to save thy woman, child, dog, frozen assorted meats, tools or set of golf clubs
316) Thou shalt decree lawn gnome season open
317) Thou shalt blast all exposed lawn gnomes with 12 gauge shotguns
318) Thou shalt decree that thou must lend thy car to thy friend in their time of need, especially when they have a potential chance to score
319) Thos shalt decree all sexual encounters as “consensual” (accept in the case of cradle robbers)
320) Thou shalt decree that thou shalt partake in man landscaping
321) Thou shalt define man landscaping as taking random junk and filling it with dirt
322) Thou shalt declare war on weeds, their absolute destruction is imminent by any means necessary; including but not limited to cyanide, hydrochloric acid, burning or napalm
323) Thou shalt declare thy garage and shed(s) thy sacred kingdoms, permission to enter pending on request only
324) Thou shalt believe in all circumstances; “Bigger is better”
325) Thou shalt never voluntarily go to the ballet (music is acceptable, the de-masculated men in tights are not)
326) Thou shalt never complement a man on his pair of leather assless chaps
327) Thou shalt never suggest an “accessory” of any kind for matching an outfit, eye color, hair style or shoes
328) Thou shalt frequently sing along with “La Grange”, “Tush” and all AC/DC songs
329) Thou shalt decree “You Shook Me ALL Night long” is to be played at my wedding and any male heirs subsequent wedding
330) Thou shalt be a good citizen and clean up litter; the trivial amount of money made will be used to buy beer
331) Thou shalt never use pink for anything least of all pen or home décor
332) Thou shalt consider Martha Stewart the devil henceforth
333) Thou shalt avoid actually math at all costs through estimation
334) Thou shalt decree divorce to be Latin for “ripping a mans testicles out through his wallet”
335) Thou shalt never use anything glittery
336) Thou shalt never read anything with a half naked man on the cover
337) Thou shalt consume a minimum of 5500 calories per day
338) Thou shalt SECRETLY consume liberal amounts of girl scout cookies in thy underwear while watching Jerry Springer re-runs in Spanish, if caught thou shalt give the girls on the box mustaches with sharpie and cross out “girl scout” and write in “man scout”

Things Not To Say While Fornicating

1) My name is Tim
2) Fuck me like a Frenchman in Germany.
3) You’re not French are you?
4) Mr. President, can I nuke France Now?
5) Yes your butt does look big at this angle
6) Yes it is small
7) Do they come any bigger
8) My secretary is coming over for dinner
9) I found the fabbest shoes ever
10) I found these sequin pants on sale
11) Honey I am leaving you to become a figure skater
12) Where does it go?
13) What’s this for?
14) Do I have to have?
15) SO honey I was looking in your top dresser drawer how about some therapy
16) I love you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (While Crying)
17) Move in with me!
18) Marry Me!!!!! (First Date)
19) Would you like to buy a vowel?
20) How bout them Broncos
21) How’s the weather?
22) Will the morning after be this awkward too?
23) Do you mind if I Barrow your razor in the morning
24) I booby trapped the door, leave and you’re dead
25) Can I quit with the pick up lines now?
26) I have to satisfy the urge to Purge (pee)
27) Riding you makes me Nauseous
28) Got (man) milk?
29) Randomly start singing Roxanne
30) I haven’t had the surgery yet
31) You’ve been tested right?
32) Let me gain approval form mother
33) Its ok my parents are asleep
34) Oops I forgot…
35) I love you like a pig love corn
36) Quick the half time show is over in 2 minutes
37) So are you supplying the furry handcuffs or am I?
38) So are we related by blood or marriage?
39) And to think our kid could have half your defective genes
40) OK sis, don’t tell mom
41) PULL OUT DAMN IT!!!!
42) Oops I guess Fabrizio was right
43) I missed that day in the grade
44) Spread em’
45) It’s not mine I swear
46) NO!
47) Oops my teeth fell out
48) So is your sister dating anyone?
49) Do you have friends?
50) Do you come here/do this often?
51) Ow my hair
52) Thank you Mr. Pope
53) My blow up doll says I give good blow
54) That sex blows
55) Will those piercings get in the way
56) Freud says you have penis envy
57) How long is yours?
58) Wow shoe sizes can be deceptive
59) Ya so after that I think I am gay
60) Can I leave my socks on
61) Are the pink curtain for decoration
62) So do I get my raise boss?
63) I want to check you for ticks
64) Don’t tell my wife/husband/girlfriend/boyfriend
65) Ya that’s all me
66) Honey I shrunk the kids
67) Is it cold outside or is it you?
68) I didn’t know that loose was a physical attribute
69) Weren’t you a reject on American Idol?
70) Ya you’re poetry totally sucked
71) Turn Around
72) Oh SHIT! That’s superglue not lubricant!
73) So that’s what that Rancid smell is
74) Smells like teen sprit
75) Want to do it in the shower
76) Hey Mr. Smith Did I Pass English now?
77) Do you want fries with that?
78) Now will you stay away form my daughter?
79) Sorry, I’ll get the dogs off the bed
80) Honey did you turn off the stove
81) Whose your daddy/mommy
82) I don’t know what S&M is but I am open to anything
83) Does E-D Stand for eternal devotion?
84) Open Sesame
85) Want to hear a math joke?
86) You’re how old?!?!
87) You’re better/worse than my ex
88) Are those mosquitoes?
89) Ouch rug burn!
90) Thanks for sharing Darlin’
91) Quoting Freddy Mercury in anyway
92) So you’re related to Ted Kennedy
93) Screaming out the name of an Ex
94) SO how much is this?
95) Do I pay now or later?
96) Do you accept credit cards?
97) Want to meet my parents?
98) How much time is left in the parking meter/movie
99) Wow this is great I don’t have to re-inflate you!
100) I need to run to the ATM
101) WTF! What were you thinking?
102) By the way I’m Pregnant, I am craving Peanut butter and pickles
103) Oops that really was a gun in my pocket
104) So am I still under arrest officer?
105) I’ll let you off with a warning
106) Who are all these children and why are they staring?
107) I’m hungry
108) NO you can’t trim you toe nails now!
109) I’ve never done this before
110) I have a PHD a pretty Huge …..
111) Oh snap! You’re a natural blonde!
112) Ugh Ugh/ Oh oh e ah ah
113) I’m banging yo bitch ass with my club
114) My hair is stuck in your braces!
115) NO touchie!
116) So you left the priest hood for me?
117) Isn’t the pope supposed to be celibate?
118) I’m Tinker bell want to hear me ding a ling?
119) It’s a ding ling thing
120) Woo woo
121) Damn it! I was told it wouldn’t be messy in the shower!
122) If we were cheap knockoffs I would be Twinkie and you would be HO HO
123) Ho Ho Ho down the chimney I go
124) How about a crash course in empiricism?
125) Shut up!
126) The tube sock is better
127) Hi Ho silver away!
128) Hold on I’m coming I swear!!!
129) Damn girl you’re better then a pack of popped Pringles!
130) You’re not a very good singer
131) You totally faked that orgasm!
132) Shit! That the bell!
133) Exterminator! Scatter!
134) It’s Immigration services!
135) Oh by the way I’m late…
136) I thought you said those were crotchless/edible
137) Well, that was quick…
138) Finally! Someone is screwed in the happy feely way!
139) So you know you’re the star of my porno right?
140) Quiet or Hilary will hear!
141) That’s right… I named it chuck Norris
142) I’ve lain on sheets of ice that have made me hotter!
143) I’m Scooby doo and I am shagy-ing you! Scooby Scooooby DOOOOOOO!
144) AH! Argon!
145) ARH, KELLY CLARKSON!
146) You can do it! (Rob Snider Voice)
147) Do I make you horny baby?
148) If it does not fit you must quit!
149) But it got OJ off…
150) That’s right cause I’m Rick James Bitch!
151) Damn girl! The Beatles weren’t lying when they said Mother Superi jumped the gun!
152) Arg, wow your nipple resembles a tic tac from this angle
153) It was a complete accident!
154) I was trying to fix my pen…
155) Oh shit! My beer!
156) Oh shit my pelvis/hips/back!
157) Can you hold my beer for a minute?
158) I can put this on YouTube right?
159) Can my buddies watch?
160) That’s pro/genius
161) BRILLANT! (Like Guinness draft guys)
162) I’m gunna pop a cap in yo ass
163) Should we be doing this on national TV?
164) If you want to ride this pony you better insert a quarter
165) I only have one speed!
166) Why not go for round two?
167) You like riding the white water rapids do you?
168) You look different when I am sober
169) Did we do this before or did I do your sister?
170) I’d rather be playing Rock band (this ones for Tim)
171) I wish I was asleep
172) My grandmother can move faster than that!
173) Oh! So that’s why they call you dick!
174) By the way I also have herpes…
175) How much you want to bet I can get done faster than you? Race you! 1…2…uh oh…
176) That was anti climatic, not in the literary way either.
177) Do you vibrate or regular?
178) This is so much better than a history textbook (that is a lie damn it!)
179) What was your name again?
180) Stifler’s MOM!
181) You’re how old? Oh… well that’s legal in Georgia at family reunions so were good
182) I’ve never done this before…
183) If I paint it gold will it seem more appealing?
184) I want Qudoba!
185) Is it cold in here?
186) You’re a real downer, no literally
187) Looking for a hot beef injection?
188) Maybe next time you should stick to phone sex
189) You suck… DON’T STOP!
190) Glad to be of service, tips are greatly appreciated
191) So you’re going to have dinner ready for me every night when I come home once we’re married right?
192) Naval dispatch… we are code green, launch the semen!
193) The Viagra! My heart!
194) Why won’t you just let me die?
195) So did you have a good prom?
196) Give me a G, Give me an O, Give me an L, Give me a D, Give me an E, Give me an N, go GOLD…OH MY GAWD!
197) Wow that looks like a licorice whip… feels like one too
198) Pump harder! Got to keep that blood flowing!
199) Kinky!/Jiminy Crickets!/Holy Cow!/Holy Macaroni!/ Golly Gee Wilikers!
200) Now that we are in the Peace Corps can we do it missionary style?
201) Wow, how disappointing, you might be hotter but your friend has the moves
202) COOL! If you flick it, it jiggles!
203) Jell-O anyone?
204) MMMMM me cookie monster!
205) I want it all!
206) Just do it!
207) And engineers say friction is a bad thing….
208) Oh shit! The rubber!
209) When we’re done I’ll show you my mad balloon animal making skills… ya I specialize in snakes
210) Mmm pink, juicy, meaty, moist and tangy… I’m thinkin’ Arby’s
211) Ooh I can slice through this like a medium well piece of pork tenderloin
212) Shut up woman and make me a pie!
213) You scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours.
214) That’s one fine bahookie you got there lassie

Tim's List of Useless People